Moving Home

Obviously as a dolphin stationed at the Government Facility for Smart Arsed Fish, i don't ever have to worry about moving home. The only time I've left the pool in the last year or so was a short trip to the vets where i had a case of flipper-rot examined.

Turned out, it wasn't flipper-rot, it was just a mushed up Creme Egg stuck to me...but anyway, that's a whole other story.

For those people contemplating moving, i don't think you can underestimate how important it is to make sure that the house is completely free of ghosts and goblins before making the purchase.

Always ask yourself the following questions when entering the new property:

Did it suddenly drop 24 degrees in here?

Why did i feel a sense of dread when i opened the cupboard in the cellar?

How come there's rope hanging over that roof-beam?

Should it REALLY be seeping red oozing gloop through the wall in the dining room?

Is hearing the words "Whooooooooooooo...die mortal! DIE or Join Ussssss!!" when entering the completely empty bedroom a GOOD thing?

Also it's also worth asking the previous occupants if they often perform black magic, satanic rituals, tupperware parties, that sort of thing. May also be wise to question if the house was built on top of ancient Indian burial grounds, next to a cemetery for dead kittens, on intersecting lay-lines, next to Ozzy Osbourne.

If buying a farm, it's probably worth asking if a crop ever failed and if the farmers ever made a pact with a demon in order to bring a plentiful harvest which included burning a virgin, strangling a duck, being generally unpleasant to a family of otters... the usual stuff.

By using these simple tips, you should be free of ever waking up next to headless half-goat thing, sharing breakfast with a sobbing jilted corpse in a wedding dress or finding that your slippers have been eaten by a demonic monkey-frog-weasel thing.

Happy House Hunting!

Mr Men

Some of the best stories for children somehow seem out of date in the ever-changing world of today. Roger Hargreaves' Mr Men books are a prime example. If they were written today they'd have to be updated. To help Roger out, I've started off with a few ideas...

Mr Tickle: Once again Mr Tickles amazingly long arms have landed him in trouble. This time, a slight altercation near the ladies changing rooms in a department store have ensured him a restraining order from Little Miss Chatterbox after she blabbed to the police about where she found his hands.

Mr Bump: Accident prone or simply a workshy layabout claiming disability grants from the government? Only Mr Nosey knows for sure as a keen government agent ready to prove that Mr Bump can lift his litter bins unaided.

Mr Greedy: Obesity is no joke, kids. In this touching tale, we discover exactly why Mr Greedy can't stop eating and also why he spends his waking hours watching repeats of Jeremy Kyle Shows and cries into his pillow every evening.

Mr Impossible: Solves every problem in the Middle East using just a Curly Wurly and a packet of Chewits.

Mr Sneeze: Every day is fun fun fun for Mr Sneeze. Hilarity ensues as he sneezes at inappropriate moments throughout the day. However, his joy turns to tears when he discovers that his sneezing is a symptom of AIDS. The bad AIDS too! (He also doesn't appear to have any arms. You're a sick, sick man Mr Hargreaves).

Whale Songs

Let's get one thing absolutely straight.. Whales can NOT sing!

Oh, it might sound all enigmatic and mysterious to YOU, but to other sea-life the sound resembles the noise icelandic nutjob, Bjork, would make if she got out of bed, trod barefoot onto a three-pin plug and fell over catching her eyeball on the edge of a bookcase as she tumbled to the floor.

Whales only ever sing country and western songs and, more often than not, they forget the words so most of the songs go a bit like 'Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolee-ee-eene...i'm begging of you please dont eat mahhh spam' or 'Iiiii-eeee-iiiiiiii willlll alllllways glug juiiiiice".

It's sickening.

You never hear of dolphin songs sounding cool, do you? It's really not fair. I have a lovely singing voice. All the little fish admire it. Of course, the little fish are also slightly intimidated by me so maybe they're just being agreeable so i don't eat them.

No, it's always flippin' whales. Whenever new-age hippy parents want to give birth to their baby named Topaz, Chlamydia (lydia for short) or Leafy-Woodmouse down at the local swimming baths, it's always moody, mysterious whale songs they choose to listen to in order to drown out the noise of the Hippy Mother screaming "Gassss!! Gimme Gasssss!".

Even in films, whales get to be cool. In Star Trek IV: The Quest For More Money, it's whales they go back in time for. Of course, the fat, hairless, blubbery beast has to leave the Starship Enterprise pretty quickly before someone mistakes it for Captain Kirk...but that's another story.

Thankfully Whales are yet to appear on Pop-Idol and X-Factor...unless we count Rick Waller...which we don't, right?

Harry Otter and the Cradle of Filth

In my spare time between leaping majestically through hoops, eating fish, splashing less important fish and completing the Times Crossword, I like to write books. Many of my books share a common theme but this is just a coincidence. I am NOT obsessed with otters.

Anyway, here is an extract from my latest book:

Page 208

Harry looked tired. His tiny ottery hands had been rubbing his wand most of the evening and he was all sore and in need of sleep. Harry adjusted his glasses which had slipped down his nose and began to concentrate on the task at hand.

Just then, there was a knock at the door. Before Harry had a chance to open it, Ron Weasel burst into the room swiftly followed by Her-Heiny, a young hairless beaver who lived in the girls dorm-room. Both of them gasped as they caught Harry rubbing his wand frantically.


'Goodness!' Said Ron Weasel.

'Wow! You're wand looks much bigger than the last time i saw it.' Said Her-Heiny.

'Thanks', Said Harry 'I was thinking of you while i rubbed it. I'm pretty sure i was close to experiencing true magic just before you came in'.

Ron Weasel muttered something about his wand being even bigger but no one paid any attention.


Harry pushed his glasses back up once more and secretly wished that his ears were in a better place on his head.
'Anyway,' Said Harry 'I must be left alone to concentrate or i'll never be able to finish off. I'm pretty sure i'd have already experienced magic if only i could find my Sorting Hat.Has anyone seen it?'


Ron Weasel had sold Harry's Sorting Hat on e-bay two weeks ago and had spent the money on sherbert. He kept quiet but remembered the last words of the Sorting Hat before he muffled it with bubble-wrap "IP3 4SO ? Off to Ipswich i must Go? MMmmmmffffff!!"

Sea Cows!

Find me and follow me through reserviors, laboratories and files
You must follow me, leave this fish-a-delic factory
You will find me in the manatee
The dark of the manatee
It's better in the manatee
The dark of the manatee is Smys
Yes it's Smys

June!!

Is it really June? So soon? Apparently it is and as a dolphin with his flipper on the pulse, I have made it my mission to bring you many June related factoids as is dolphinly possible.

Amazingly, no other month starts on the same day as June. Go on, check, you'll see. I'll wait....


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Back? See? Told you, didn't i? Amazing isn't it?

According to Weird Al Yankovic, Weasel Stomping Day takes place in June. Despite some people saying that this is a made-up event, i refuse to accept that and have already purchased a golden weasel stomper in preparation.

June is named after the actress June Whitfield. Her constellation is beside TerryScottius Major, below the Great Otter and to the right of Flora the Margarine.

June's astrological sign is Gemini, the twins. I saw a video with twins in once. It was ACE!

Garfield, the lazy, lasagna loving, slightly 80's cat celebrates his birthday on June 19th as does totally bonkers, but highly electable MP Boris Johnson, one-trick-pony actress, Mavis from Coronation Street and Ben Andrews, a gay porn star. Happy Birthday Ben. Some Anusol Gel and a bottle of mouthwash are on their way...