Thursday 27 September 2007

UFOs


Once upon a time it seemed that the only people seeing UFOs were hillbilly types from backwater parts of America and Kippax and hobos who would immediately look at the bottle they had been drinking from for a second before throwing it over their shoulder while mumbling 'never again....bleughhh....' or something.

Flying Saucers can be seen just about everywhere these days and they are not constrained to Hell's Kitchen either! On an average week of televisual delights, one can see half a dozen repeats of X-Files, Taken and a bazillion other sci-fi shows featuring spooky visitors from outer space.

I have nothing against this. In fact, i feel it's very important that we ARE prepared for the arrival of beings from other worlds. However, the important questions must be answered in advance to avoid one of those awkward silences that happens when someone makes a joke about a Polish penguin just at the moment that Krzystof Pinguski comes through the door (we've all made that mistake, right?).

Anyhoo, below are a selection of questions i believe will be imperative to get the answers to before little green men set foot on our lovely planet:

1. Bourbon or Custard Creams?
Can you imagine if they don't like either or if they have a nut allergy or something? We'd have to serve them Jaffa Cakes or those little pink wafery ones that no one really likes (apart from freaks...you know who you are).

2. Coffee or Tea?
To serve the wrong one might mean certain death to the Prime Minister or President who's serving it. What if their alien DNA evolved from coffee beans? Is it polite to offer someone a drink made out of their dead relatives? Do they like sugar? Cream? Nutmeg sprinkles? The list is endless...

3. Should you offer them a Golden Otter now...or later?
When IS the best time to present someone with the greatest thing on the planet?

4. Shake hands/Flippers/Tentacles?
What if they greet one another by shoving a small selection of fresh fruit into each other's cavities? We all know how much they enjoy 'probing' humans... should we simply be naked from the waist down and walk backwards towards them while clutching a tube of Vaseline?

5. Tongues or No Tongues?
Is it polite to go for the full-frenchie on the first meeting? Perhaps it's rude NOT to. Either way, it's probably best to have some Mintoes handy just in case.

6. Kylie or Jason?
Background music for that monumetal moment is very important but does one play the soothing, slightly chipmunk-y sounding pop-beats of Miss Minogue-the wonder midget or the painful, screechy, no-talent mumblings of every one's 18th favourite Australian named Jason? Decisions, decisions...

Tuesday 11 September 2007

Haribo


"Kids and grown-ups love it so."

Well, that's what it says on the packets anyway. In reality, unless they invent an entirely fish-flavoured chew, i wont confirm to 'loving it'.

Haribo sells about twenty gazillion bags of chewy thingies every day apparently and they come in a cornucopia of assortments such as:

Starmix - A mixture of stars, i would assume.

Mao mix - A mixture of sweety things which are popular with the 1960s New York streetgang, the Mao Maos.

Fantasy Mix - A mixture of fantasies in a bag. This would hopefully include my personal fantasy of being supreme king of the Otter Planet and another one which involves a lot of latex,some ice-cream and a small selection of primates. I wont go into detail.

Liquorice - Only freaks like liquorice.

Jelly Babies - The tiny defenceless babies of jelly families are snatched away in the middle of the night by evil Haribo Gnomes and are suffocated in plastic bags before being smothered in sugar.

Gold Bears - Very disappointing. The bears aren't REAL bears at all, they're made of chewy jelly stuff and not even a trace of gold or porridge in the entire bag. Rubbish.

The other exciting fact about Haribo is that they're based in Pontefract which is just a small swim from where i live. I can confirm that Pontefract is a bit smelly and full of chavs that would probably pull my flippers if i let them near my pool.

Saturday 8 September 2007

Spam Mail



When I'm not swimming around chasing a small salmon named Gerald, i like to spend my mornings by flippering away at the keyboard of my Dolphin-O-Type 2000 computer. Unfortunately there is one thing that can really ruin the excitement of fondling my inbox and that's JUNK MAIL!

Who are these people that spend their days writing this stuff and sending it to me? Why do they feel I'd be interested in Viagra, Hot Cheerleaders indulging in an act that will probably make them go blind, a brand spanking new credit card or an invitation to claim a fortune that belonged to a Nigerian king who (with just my bank details and passwords) will be happy to pass it along forthwith?

Don't they realise that i get my Viagra free from my scientists friends?

Don't they understand that i can intimidate Gerald and three of his salmon friends to perform any act i want by just glaring at him?

Cant they see how pointless it is to offer me a credit card? How would i sign the back? I cant hold a pen for flips sake and the ink would run!

As for the Nigerian king, see above. No bank would offer me an account as the only proof of identity i have is a little tag on my flipper that reads 'specimen 1138/b - pet daily and do not feed it chili sauce'.

All spam-mailers should be scraped with the mysterious pebble then made to jump in a giant bag full of bleach. Twice.

Ghosts!


Ever found yourself alone at night when suddenly you feel all creeped out and your skin begins to crawl? Well this could be because you have a ghost or it could simply mean that you're watching any film with Adam Sandler in it.

Ghosts are apparently the undead spirits of people and pets (and otters) who have not found peace in the afterlife. The main characteristics of ghosts are as follows:

A slightly transparent appearance a bit like those emo kids have that hang out near the supermarket.

A fondness for rattling chains and saying 'whooooOOOOOoooooooh!' which sorta reminds me of an ex....but let's not go there.

The ability to walk through walls. I would imagine this would be a fantastic ability to have - especially if you're a bit pervy and happen to be haunting a ladies lingerie shop. It would also grant you free access to any Sea Life Centre to go and enjoy the otters whenever you please.

If you own a haunted house and don't wish to accommodate your see-through tenant anymore, you can hire a professional ghost hunter to come in and get rid of them for you. According to cheap digital channel television programmes, this MUST be done in the dark while holding an night-vision camera that makes people's eyeballs look all reflective - a bit like a startled kitten's might look like if you'd found him in the corner of your very dark handbag.

I thought my pool was haunted once but it turned out to be a bad case of wind. I've since stopped eating beans.Long story..let's pretend i didn't mention it, OK?

Tuesday 4 September 2007

Game Show Hosts


At least one romantic relationship of mine has ended with my 'special friend' mentioning that i exude the characteristics of a game show host.

Although i took this to mean that i am suave, sophisticated and quick-witted, there's always a slight nagging feeling in the back of my brain which makes me wonder 'did they mean that i was irritating, cheesy and own some particularly bad ties?'.

Of course, we all know that couldn't possibly be true but it made me wonder what other exciting characteristics game show hosts have. I would imagine the main points to include on the c.v. would be:

The ability to 'smarm' - whether the member of the public (eww) is a fat, ginger girl from Glasgow or a stunning Norwegian foxette, you must maintain eye contact while simpering, flirting and generally oozing all over her while you read out her 'interesting statistics' from a little card.

Look earnest - Ohhhh Nigel from Hull just missed out on the trip to Hawaii by naming only 6 of the 7 dwarfs within the allotted time but now is not the time to smirk or laugh until milk comes out of your nose. No no, sir! You must look like you've just seen Bambi's mother brutally murdered and offer a consolatory hug.

Be sexually excited by old ladies - there's something about game show and grannies. They never miss the opportunity to make rather crude double-entendres or pinch their wrinkly bottoms at any given moment throughout the show.

Be multi-talented - The best game show hosts can't JUST schmooze! Many of them have a huge array of skills. Brucie can tap dance, Monkhouse can remember over a zillion jokes and Winton can be gay on cue! Amazing!!

Make people laugh - for the most part, they'll be laughing at you and not with you but that's fine. Just keep on mugging to the camera as you tell Colin from Dorset all about the features of the Moulinex Multi Speed Blender and try to conceal your own bitter tears of self-loathing.

To be orange - Although not compulsory, let's face it, all the best hosts are a lovely shade of tangerine. Brucie, Monkhouse, Winton... you know, 'the greats'.


See? I can write an entire post without mentioning otters...oh, wait... damn!

Saturday 1 September 2007

September


There we all were getting comfortable with August, joking and laughing and offering it coffee and buns when there was a knock on the door and in walked September!
"Goodness, look at the time!" Said August and left out the back door with a promise of calling and writing and sending us a thank you card for the coffee.

Since it IS September and there's very little we can do about it, we may as well have a few factoids to try and get ourselves familiar with this naughty little month.

In Germany, September marks the beginning of Oktoberfest. Makes perfect sense, right? I thought so too but before we start tutting and making insinuations about Germany's lack of timing, let's remember that the country is practically fuelled on beer and therefore it's amazing the German public can even stand or see let alone know what month it happens to be.

Similarly, in China, September is the month in which August-Moon Festival is celebrated. The traditional food to be served at this festival is 'Mooncake' which is flown in especially from the moon and is made by The Clangers - the little sock-like creatures that inhabit the moon and make little whistling noises... they look a bit like otters if you squint your eyes and turn your head to one side.

In the Netherlands prinsjesdag occurs which, from what i can gather, is when the queen arrives in a coach made from pumpkins, turns into a talking cartoon mouse then reads out her plans for the coming year (probably with the aid of some marker pens*, a flip-chart and an overhead projector).

Libra is the star-sign of the month and anyone born under this astrological sign is meant to have scales or something. Fish have scales, you know...and tasty underbellies and stoopid swishy left-to-right moving tails and fat eyeballs. In fact, don't get me started about fish or we'll be here for weeks.


*supplied by kangaroos