Seasonal Replies!

Dear 'True Love'

Thanks so much for the recent spate of gits you have bestowed upon me. I'm guessing that the court restraining order didn't put you off then? May i take this opportunity to discuss with you the choice of gifts you have sent to me:

A partridge would have been fine. I cook and could have probably roasted it or stuffed it with something nice and had it for lunch but i really could've done without the pear tree. I live in a flat on the 18th floor and it's currently standing in my kitchen. What were you thinking?

2 x Turtle Doves - Not edible nor do they even look all that exciting. Do you still have the receipt? I'd prefer a chinchilla.

3 x Hens (French) - i don't even speak French and my tenancy agreement stipulates i cant keep fowl.Especially foreign fowl.

4 Calling Birds - Great thinking. They call up their friends about 75 times a day using premium rate chat-lines and i now have a phone bill of over 12 grand. Cheers!

5 Gold Rings. I'm keeping these regardless.

6 geese that appear to lay almost 24 hours a day. If they're not laying they're sh*tting everywhere. You didn't really think this through, did you?

Swans.... seven bleedin' swans that like to swim. I'll point it out again, i live on the Chesney Hawke's Council Estate in a high rise building. Where the hell did you expect them to swim exactly? Currently they are stuffed into my bathroom and the noise is unbearable.

8 Maids-a Milking. I'm not sure i even know where to start. I don't own a cow and so the maids began to 'milk' each other. They also attempted to 'milk' me but since i bought some pepper-spray they appear to have backed off.

9 Dancing ladies? My landlord seems to be under the impression that I've opened a lapdancing bar that caters for men who like girls and avian perversions. I've got three weeks until i'm evicted.

10 leaping lords! Do you have any idea how much noise they create? When they aren't leaping, they're eating the contents of my fridge. The people living on the 17th floor complained that the leaping was knocking their ornaments off their bookcases. The damages bills just keep piling up.

If it wasn't already chaos in here, you also decided i needed 11 pipers who..well...'pipe'. This would be fine if it was just once a day but unfortunately they seem to have more wind-power than 295 grannies stuck in a baked-bean factory.

And you really outdid yourself with the 12 drummers. My eviction was brought forward to next Tuesday. If you'd like me to send you a diagram of exactly where i think you should shove your pear tree, just let me know...

He's Behind Youuuuuu!!!

Once upon a time down in Dingley Dell there lived a boy named Jack. Jack was a bit of a numbnuts and was often found eating paint chips, trying to lick his own elbow and attempting to catch his own shadow in a net on sunny afternoons.

One day Jack's mother (who was on government benefits due to her hip and also for having a slightly stupid son), asked Jack to take the cow (who incidentally was probably smarter than Jack and definitely better than him at clog-dancing) to market.

The Cow was happy to be sold off as she knew that as soon as Jack realised that there was more than one use for the 'magic sausage' in his trousers, she'd probably be violated in an uncomfortable place.

A strange and mysterious man approached Jack at the market and offered Jack some 'Magic Beans' in payment for the cow. Jack, being as he was a complete and utter womble, decided that this offer was too good to pass and immediately handed over the cow and skipped home with the exciting news of the sale to his long suffering mother.

'Oh Jack, you really would be out of your depth in a car-park puddle, wouldn't you?' His mother exclaimed and tossed the beans out of the window before heading off to Threshers to pick up her booze and fags order.

Jack was far too stupid to let this get him down and he spent the rest of the evening attempting to count his toes but at around midnight, he heard quite a rumbling and a grumbling from outside. He poked his rather silly head out of the window and to his surprise, he saw a giant beanstalk!

Being as Jack wouldn't know a health-and-safety pamphlet from the February Otter Festival, he immediately decided to climb the huge growth to see where it went. Atop the beanstalk was a cloud and upon the cloud was a beautiful castle which was the size of a small moon.

Jack scampered inside the castle whereupon he found himself surrounded by beautiful treasures - a golden harp, a stunning collection of coins and jewels, the director's cut of Star Wars where Han and Greedo organise a frat party and force Princess Leia to do unspeakable things to an ewok.

Jack was already filling his pockets with gemstones when he heard a thundering voice from overhead "Fee-Fi-Fo-Fumm! I smell the blood of someone really dumb!'
Jack began to drool uncontrollably for the 72nd time that day and tried to compose himself by repeatedly squeezing his nipples as hard as he could. He leaped behind a nice big golden ashtray and waited for the Giant to pass.

After what seemed to be an eternity to Jack's tiny brain (it was in fact 31 seconds), he slipped from his hidey-place and once again began to stuff his pockets and coat with exciting things. A stunning harp was quickly snaffled followed by a large hen who appeared to lay golden eggs (though Jack hadn't noticed this and simply wanted the chicken because he liked its beaky little face). Both the harp and the hen began to cry out 'Help....Hellllp us! We're being stolen by a mendicant!"

Jack dived for the beanstalk and reached the top just as the Giant had finished lacing up his Reeboks. The giant shook his fist at Jack who slid down the beanstalk and, as he reached the bottom, began to chop it down using a spoon and a small rock.

Jack showed his mother the spoils of his adventure and she seemed most pleased -until the day she saw Jack on Crimewatch and her joy turned to tears as they were both arrested for possession of stolen goods by the Badger Fairytale Police. The Giant recovered his things and gave his chicken a nice big hug and they lived happily ever after.

Smy's Christmas Poem

T'was the night before Christmas and all through Smy's pool
Not a creature was stirring in case they became food

Smy hung up his stocking and grinned happily
Hoping for beach balls or an otter dvd

The little fish snuggled up in their sea-beds
and hoped naughty Smy would eat mince pies instead

But later that night as the moon rose his head
A loud splashing noise woke Smy from his bed

Using his flippers to rub sleep from his eyes
Came a sight that totally took him by surprise

Santa and reindeer all making a fuss
had crash-landed their sleigh (which would soon shortly rust)

T'was Prancer's fault -oh he is such a rebel
He'd become fascinated by Smy's mysterious pebble

And now Santa sat on the pool-edge, what a hoot
to see him pour water from out of his boot

Smylexx pondered the scene and then offered help
'A talking fishy!' said Rudolph who then started to yelp

An hour passed slowly as Smylexx explained
and ordered a nurse-fish to tend to the bits that were sprained

One hour became two but soon all was well
Smy fixed up the sleigh, including the bell

With a hearty hug and a whole lot of kisses
Santa jumped on his ride and thanked all the fishes

The morning came fast and Smylexx felt pleased
'Was it a dream? Should i stop eating cheese?'

But pinned to his stocking with special elf glue
a note -'Merry Fishmass dear Smylexx...from You Know Who!'

Rudolph!

10 Things Rudolph probably doesn't want for Christmas:

1. Hay -this is provided free by Mr and Mrs Clause and also forms part of their contractual obligation to Rudolph and the other reindeer (see section 5.403.2 for further information).

2. Carrots -Also provided by The Clause's and also given out by over 20 billion children on Christmas Eve. I'm quite sure Rudolph doesn't ever want to even look at another carrot until at least March. For this reason, i always leave him a carefully wrapped turnip near my Christmas List each year.

3. Hoof Varnish /Antler Glitter- Rudolph is not homosexual despite once being found in a compromising position with Blitzen who claims he was just administrating the Heimlich Manoeuvre when Rudolph swallowed a carrot a bit too quickly.

4. Nose polish -Rudolph needs no more attention being drawn towards his proboscis than he has already thankyouverymuch.

5. Bells -It's a known fact that despite having bells on the sleigh and bells around his harness and bells on his flippin antlers, Rudolph despises the noise of bells and secretly listens to Simon and Garfunkel on his i-pod for the duration of the journey.

6. A subscription to Otter Monthly Magazine - he borrows mine but complains that they are usually a bit too soggy to read and so seems to have lost interest.

7. Diet books - a rigorous 11 month fitness regime is administrated by the elves for each of Santa's Reindeer. This include star jumps, squats and stretches which ensure that no one pulls a muscle while carting 480 million Nintendo Wii consoles to fat kids in Florida on a sleigh pulled by a festively plump man with a beard who smells of gin.

8. Antler grooming kits - Rudolph's antlers are cared for by Mauricé of Lapland.

9. Novelty socks - Even Rudolph's gran stopped buying these for him after a few years. you should too. He does not wear socks -especially socks with pictures of snowmen, characters from The Simpsons or Betty Boop on them.

10. A torch - Really, think about it...he can do without one.

Workshop Elf Contractual Obligations

This contract states that you will be entered into full-time employment of the Clause Society Industries (CSI). By signing the below contract, you will be obliged to perform the tasks and duties of your work-role and will be subject to adhere to the strict dress-code policy and behavioural requirements as mentioned in section 2.5.64c

As well as the terms of conditions of service which are outlaid in your Welcome to CSI pack, please also ensure that the following guidelines are adhered to at all times:

1. Always look cheerful -you're elves and should never look grumpy or you could be mistaken for goblins. As we all know, Mr Clause does NOT like goblins since 'the incident'.

2. If working on the naughty and nice lists, please ensure to check them twice. This is not a request but a prerequisite. Twice. Not once. Not three times. Twice. Rhymes with 'mice'.

3. If Mr Clause has been drinking and Mrs Clause is not around, please remember never to make direct eye-contact with Mr Clause as this will lead to an awful thing happening to you in one of the storage cupboards. Details and diagrams of the 'awful thing' can be found on page 61 of the handout given to you during orientation entitled 'Why Sitting On His Lap Isn't a Good Idea'.

4. When feeding the reindeer, please never be tempted to use Rudolph's nose as a make-up mirror. He doesn't like it and he bites. Hard.

5. Although the dress code should always be observed, we are glad to announce that three items of 'flair' can be added to your uniform. These can include bows, patches and earmuffs but please refrain from wearing anymore than the assigned 37 bells on your uniform for health and safety reasons. Over two thirds of the workforce were off sick in 1997 with symptoms of Tinnitus.

6. As elves, it is expected for you to laugh, giggle, chuckle and squeal for at least 17 of your working hours per day. Please ensure that laugh-breaks are taken at the appointed times only to ensure a constant stream of festive cheer is upheld throughout the day. These will be assigned to you by your giggle co-ordinator on your first day of business.


7. Mobile phones are not permitted in the Radio-Control Robot section of the workshop. For further details on why these devices are banned, please see Lefty, Stumpy or Limpy who are usually found hobbling around the coffee machine and admiring each others scars.

Signed ______________________

Date ________________________


See? Still no otters!

December!!

Got your attention, eh? Thought so...


December is upon us like a pervy uncle in a game of hide and seek when your parents are out. Where did the year go? Perhaps it went shopping for shoes or maybe it's gone to make jam in a convent in southern Spain.

All i know is that December means one thing and one thing only...no, not World Aids Day, i'm talking about Christmas! I'm so excited that I've been doing laps of my pool and i refuse to stop until Christmas morning when i get to open all my presents.

Anyway, apart from the aforementioned, there are apparently some 'other' fascinating facts about the month which i feel contractually obliged to tell you about.

Hannukah, which starts in December, is the Jewish 'Festival of Lights'. This means that fatties can't join in and only Ryvita can be eaten can be eaten until all the little candles are lit on those funky 8 candle holding Jewish thingymajobs.

Independence Day is celebrated in Finland (the place where dolphins obtain their fins) and Joulokuu is the word for December there which translates into 'month of Christmas' and can also mean 'Time to buy Smy presents' depending on how you say it.

In Xhosa (don't tell me you've never heard of it), December is called ngeyomNga which means 'month of the mimosa thorn tree'. I wonder if the mimosa thorn trees appreciate this.



*see? I can go an entire post without mentioning otters...oh, wait.... damn!