Easter Bunnies!

It's incredibly important to realise that the Easter Bunny is not quite as nice as he first appears.

Four years ago, I lent him a tenner which he said he was going to use to cure terminal diseases but moments later, i saw him entering Ladbroke's Betting Shop looking decidedly shifty.

I never got the money back either.

Here are ten other incredibly delicious things you did not know about this wretched creature:

1. He's immortal. Now, think about this. Only Gods and Demons and Elizabeth Taylor are immortal. He's not a God and I have never seen him entertaining Michael Jackson so.....

2. The eggs he places often contain nuts. He knows full well that many people have nut allergies and giggles with glee from behind the bushes if he sees someone having a seizure.

3. He is a shape-shifter. Initially he came to Earth in the shape of a Giant-Slor, then a Marshmallow Man and then as an Easter Crocodile before settling on the "bunny" look.

4. He doesn't lay the eggs himself. He has a battery farm in which chocolate chickens are kept in the worst possible conditions and threatened with a three-bar fire if they stop laying.

5. He's allergic to crumpets.

6. The Easter gig wasn't his first choice. He used to play bass for the Rolling Stones in the 6th and 7th centuries. He feels they've "sold out" in the last 400 years though and now prefers S-Club 7.

7. After leaving the trails of eggs, he sometimes leaves a surprise dog-turd in your sock drawer just for kicks.

8. No one has ever caught the bunny while he lays his egg trails. This is because he has a cloak of invisibility which he obtained in a card game with some elves.

9. He bites. Lots.

10. There is no Mrs Easter Bunny. She was killed in a horrific motoring accident while picking up some additional eggs for her husband from the local supermarket. He doesn't like to talk about it.