3-D

Well hello my little gummy-bears. Has it really been 8 days since i posted? It appears so!

Where have i been?

What have i been doing?

Who have i been 'doing'?

If anyone knows the answers to these questions, please let me know and i promise to take notes.

In more pressing matters, a movie named Beowulf was recently released in multiplexatoriums around the UK. Despite being full of semi-clad men and monsters, the entire film appears to be too stunning to be able to avert your gaze from...annnnnd it's in 3-D!!

Every film would benefit from being in 3-D and below I've listed just a few examples of how this would enhance the cinematic experience of even the dreariest movies:

The Care Bears Movie would come to life in whole new ways as their rainbows burst from their chests in full 3-D as the audience ducks for cover and just imagine the little dance numbers! Tiny furry folks all waltzing and shuffling around your brain! It would be more awesome that the time i was left unattended in the otter sanctuary for a whole 23 minutes.

Free Willy would simply make you squeal with excitement like an over-tickled basket of kittens as Willy leaps towards you, the salty spray appearing to cover the audience before willy goes deep..but not before spurting liquid from his spurty-hole!

Hardcore Porn - see above.

It's time we took a stance and DEMANDED that Hollywood makes every film this way! If they refuse, we should stamp our feet/flippers/hooves and threaten to hold our breath until we die!

Fantasy Novels

Of course, the only thing i ever read is OtterPedia and the back of Findus Fish Finger packets but i have it on good authority that there are books about subjects that don't include marine mammals and fish-based snacks.

According to a friend of mine, many people like to read about dwarfs and elves (but not gnomes, obviously) and these creatures usually get themselves into a spot of bother with a big dragon or a selection of trolls with dietary issues who they have to fight for a bit in order to claim the treasure which generally has a name like 'the mighty crown of Sockzillia' or 'the sacred charm-bracelet of the high-elder-queen Snifflepops'.

Unfortunately, the writing style of most fantasy authors seem to fall into two distinct categories-

Tolkien Stylee: The inability to ever get to the point. A typical sentence in a Tolkien book goes something along the lines of 'And Lo, The Hobbits began their journey and as they walked they passed a tree which made them all sigh a bit as the tree had at least twenty seven branches and on each branch, their were quite possibly over two zillion leaves which might have been really nice to eat if you were a Caterpillar or something but probably less nice if you were a wolf called colin or something and the tree was also a bit crooked-not in the way that it might sell you a dodgy Rolex, but in the way that it leaned a bit to one side...maybe at 12 degrees...possibly 13...Frodo couldn't be sure without measuring it and he had forgotten his compass and his notepad..the blue one, we mentioned it earlier..on page 184 i think..you can check....I'll wait..'

Alternatively we get Dave Eddings Stylee which is exactly the opposite of the above and amazes me that most of his books appear thicker than a post-it note. A typical passage from his work would be 'Geoff the Warrior Elf saw a demon. The demon saw Geoff. Geoff took out his sword and hit the demon with it 'til the demon died. Geoff was pleased. The demon was not pleased. Geoff went home for trifle.'

There must be some middle-ground somewhere. I'd write one myself but, well, if i did that then who would eat all these salmon?

Action Man!

In the 1970's -when disco ruled and Bird's Trifle was the epitome of style and sophistication, little boys played with Action Man.

No that isn't a euphemism for masturbatory pursuits, I'm talking about The Greatest Hero Of Them All (tm).

During his heyday, Action Man came in a variety of exciting flavours and despite looking decidedly camp, he was hard as nails-no really!! The range of products included the SAS Elite Soldier who came complete with pistols, grenades, piano wire and a pack-lunch.

There was also Basic Squaddie Action Man who came with a nice green sweater, a plastic beret and a guilty expression on his face from playing the Biscuit Game with his fellow bunk mates until 3 a.m.

These days, however, we are much more p.c. and therefore Action Man has had to change with the times. With this in mind, I have decided to construct some new editions to boost the flagging sales of every one's favourite neo-nazi.

We start with Iraqi Veteran Action Man who comes complete with three anti-war protesters who pelt him with soft fruit while he tries to defend himself with a copy of Michael Moore's latest book.

Touchy-Feely Action Man is a big hit with the ladies. His uniform is always neatly pressed and a touch of a button makes him burst into tears as if he's just watched a nature program with baby otters in it. By pulling his pull-string, he says one of the following phrases-

'Ooh, How much did you pay for those curtains?'

'Have you lost weight? You look Fabulous!'

'Can you direct me to the nearest animal shelter please?'

'Can't we just talk this over? Fighting is soooo aggressive!'

Guaranteed Christmas joy for any young soldier-wannabe. I'm already looking into the patent...

critics

Everyone's a critic, aren't they?

Just this morning i was leaping majestically through my hoop when a small angel fish named Norris swam past and said 'Ooh, that splash was a bit big, wasn't it? Probably 'cos you're putting on weight..in fact, i'd go as far as to say that you're looking a bit fa...'

The end of this sentence wasn't audible as by this point, i'd realised that i hadn't eaten in the last 23 minutes and so i ate him. But the point is that the birth of the artist must also have coincided with the birth of the critic.

I would imagine that even in caveman times, the first prehistoric artist (let's call him Uggy), probably finished a fabulous painting of a jurassic otter only to hear some critical 'ug ug uggity ug' noises from his less arty friends as they informed him that 'there should be more gore around its fangs' or 'the knees look more hairy and less fuzzy than they should' or 'Tsk! Uggy has painted the Sabre-Toothed Otter in brown and not purple with blue stripes...what a fool!'

One day, all critics will be made to line up in a huge queue and forced to draw a nice picture of a happy, dancing badger. Those that can do it properly (and remember to include a nice pair of dancing clogs) will be allowed ice cream. Those that can't will be forced to watch The Star Wars Holiday Special over and over again until their ears melt off.

Whizzzyyypop-pop-pop!

Yes kids, it's Bonfire Night. This is the night that people across the UK 'celebrate' the failed attempts to blow up the Houses of Parliament by setting off fireworks and then jumping about a bit.

I'm pretty sure this must be a British thing. I'm not sure of any other country that celebrates the failure to do something with quite so much enthusiasm. Since all the British folks are obviously a bit funny-in-the-head, perhaps we could add a few more new Failure-Holidays to the calendar too!

I'm all for Eddie The Eagle day where we all celebrate the fact that we're rubbish at winter sports by attaching planks to our feet/flippers and leap off the top of a steep hill ...or speed bump if you're not brave enough.

How about Frank Bruno Day in which we all lay down on the floor of a boxing ring and stare up at the ceiling -much like Frank did in most of his fights?

We could have a Gemini Festival in which we celebrate getting zero points at the Eurovision Song Contest by sticking cheese in our ears and then screeching in a hideous way at visiting tourists.

There are so many reasons why Britain is just a teeny bit rubbishy so why don't we start a petition to get our favourite crappy events on the calendar?


and while were at it, can we have a National Otter Appreciation Day too?

Novembrrrr!

'Where did October go?' You ask but before you can get an answer, you hear the screeching sound of tyres and whip your head around to see that October has borrowed your car keys and zoomed off into the distance throwing its head back and laughing and playing the Best of Huey Lewis as loud as possible on your stereo.

But wait, what's this? A parcel? For you? You tear at the paper and open the box to reveal November. Its big shiny eyes look up at you longingly as you read the attached note which tells you to look after the infant month for the next 30 days and reminds you not to feed it cookies after midnight.

Yes kids, November is here. This is the month in which Santa pays for an advert in Elf Weekly for extra help in the toyshop and it's also the month in which we see a whole lot of fireworks, explosions and bangs...but enough about my love life.

There are some fabulous dates to note in November including the Day of the Dead festivals in Mexico which involve dressing up as a spooky thingy and eating pretzels or something and also Veterans Day which should never be confused with Veterinarian's Day which is only celebrated by folk who spend half their lives with their hands inside cats bottoms while mopping up tortoise sick with a little cloth.

In history, Columbus discovered Puerto Rico in November. It was down the back of a sofa along with a kazoo, an old television remote and 27p in loose change. He subsequently misplaced Puerto Rico three days later but found it again in some grass clippings taken from his hover-mower.

In Australia it is customary for menfolk to sport a moustache for the entire month. I'd love to be able to grow a moustache. I'd look so dignified and intelligent but sadly i don't think it's possible for dolphins to have facial hair.....unlike otters who have lots. Ahem.