Let's get ready to er, erm... you know.

Three days ago we had an earthquake at the Leeds facility for Smart-Arsed Fish. It made me drop my milkshake and my porcelain otter collection rattled on the shelf which made them look as if possessed by evil, vengeful otter poltergeists.

Having done a quick inventory check, it became apparent that the little colourful fish, the nasty case of crabs and the twelve salmon were all unhurt... except for the three salmon i ate during the inventory checking...to keep my strength up, you understand.

What could have caused the earthquake though? I'm a simple fishy and don't understand these things. I've put it down to a few possibilities which are as follows:

Vanessa Feltz had fallen out of her water bed and managed to level half of Kent.

Two hundred angry squirrels had decided that 'enough was enough' and had planted explosives in the muesli factories.

An angry god had decided to smite us for making jokes about Jeremy Beadle's little deformed hand.

Two elephants were continuing their illicit affair and were having casual sex on top of a Ford Fiesta in a local car park...'cos elephants are dead classy like that.

Monsters from the planet Jellytot 5 had attempted to land their spaceship nearby but had forgotten to bother to check how big the planet was. In a huge error of judgement, they realised that the entire Earth was small enough for them to pop in their mouths and suck on like a fizzy gumdrop. They quickly scarpered off and turned their stereos down in order to be more discreet.

The planet's tummy rumbled while deciding whether or not to eat a small Danish girl for being too sparkly. After twenty minutes, the planet made the decision to open a bag of pickled onion Monster Munch instead.

Oink!

Many of the youth's pop-beat combos split up and then reform. Groups like The Spice Girls and Take That and even Pink Floyd have ended their extended retirements usually at the exact same time that a huge fat wad of cash is deposited in their bank accounts by a greedy, no talent music publicist.

One duet who wont be coming back, however, are Pinky and Perky. Yes, we all remember their beautiful high-pitched squeaky piggy voices singing our favourite tunes like a miniature angel who's genitals have been caught in a series of kitchen appliances but what happened to them after the music ended?

Their career was beautifully realised in the lyrics of Don McClean's American Swine and there has been many biopics and books but for those who are musically inexperienced, let me remind you of their downfall.

Pinky was, of course, famously arrested in 1979 for goading wolves into 'blowing his house down' - a sexual act so sinister that i simply cannot find the words to describe it. Needless to say, it involved a wolf, some 'huffing and puffing' and a piggy that squealed 'whee whee wheee' all the way home.

After his subsequent release, Pinky devoted himself to working with the starving children of Africa which went well for over three months until one of the children ate him.

Perky was the quiet one. He would often go to market and enjoy roast beef from time to time. It was rumoured that he invented the hula-hoop but this is unsubstantiated. After the music dried up and the fans moved on to other top animal pop acts such as Keith Harris and Orvile and Crazy Frog, Perky became restless and embittered and, on June 19th 1984* he took his own life by roasting himself in an oven at gas mark 4 for about 2 hours to ensure that his pork fat was extra crispy.

He was later served with apple sauce and roasted potatoes and eaten by the last 3 members of the Pinky and Perky fan club.

It's what they would've wanted.


*happy birthday Garfield

The Big V!!

10 things that you might not wish to say when picking up your valentine date:

What, you're wearing THAT?

Maybe i should go alone...

Have you gained weight recently?

Come on dragon face, let's roll.

I've got my granny and three of her bingo-friends in the car. You don't mind if they join us, right?

I think you should get a blood test....

Have you always had that mole???

Let's get this over with.

What? The yellow spot thing? Well the puss has stopped seeping now so i think we're good for another hour before it flames up again.

I hope you brought cash cos i'm hungry...

Roy

It might surprise you to learn that my favourite film isn't The Sound of Music or even Tarka the Otter (though that IS a close second), but in fact Jaws.

Sharks are a bit stupid and so any film that spends two hours planning and then killing one is obviously going to thrill me more than a day trip to a WeaselWorld theme park.

As we all know, sharks spend their time intimidating smaller fish (which should only be done by dolphins), looking a bit scary in wildlife films and also drawing male genitals with an Etch-A-Sketch...though that last fact isn't widely reported.

In the film Jaws, three men set off on an adventure to kill the evil willy-sketching, fish-bothering meany and along the way have a few arguments about the best way to do it while guzzling beer.

Mr Hooper is a furry, soft-handed scientist type. The only thing he manages to kill is the atmosphere in Chief Brody's dining room. He enjoys showing other men his instruments and scrunching plastic cups.

Shark killing ability: 2/5 - He doesn't kill a shark but he does manage to shove an air tank in a shark's mouth making it look like Clint Eastwood in those western movies.

Quint is a psychopathic loose-toothed nutjob who probably owns only own pair of undies. He knows over 28 ways to tie knots and over 2,904 dirty jokes about nuns. Has a tattoo which he claims he got in the military but everyone suspects that it was probably a picture of Betty Boop holding a squirrel.

Shark killing ability 1/5 -Manages to fire a few shots at a shark but eventually gets eaten by one that should probably enter next years 110 meter hurdles dash.

Brody is a chief of police who hates the water more than kittens in a sack. Knows hardly anything about sharks (not even that Etch-A-Sketch thing) and spends most of the film throwing rotting fish into the sea while daydreaming about old Pink Panther episodes.

Shark killing ability 5/5 Doesn't just kill the shark but actually blows it into 23,518 little fishy bits using just a rifle and a kick-ass line of dialogue. This makes Brody the poster-boy for every dolphin and a role model to us all, right?

Hail to the chief, baby!!