The "g" word.

OK, anyone that knows me will know that one of my greatest phobias is being placed in a small wardrobe full to the brim with gnomes. I'm sure it's the top of your list of awful things too and if it isn't, then you're obviously some kind of sick, dyslexic pervert that has stumbled onto this website by typing in keywords like "Internet Corn".

Even writing the word makes me a bit queasy so for the rest of this post, i shall refer to them as "gn*mes" or something.

There are many varieties of them but the most common type is the Garden Gn*me. Why do people let them in their gardens? If only they realised just how flippin' awful they obviously are!

Here are the top reasons to NOT allow them near YOUR petunias:

- They have tiny fangs. Note how many of them keep their evil, smiley mouths closed. They like nothing more than sinking their teeth into baby badgers and scampering voles.

- "Oh they look so cute with their little pointy hats". They wear hats to hide their demonic little pointy horns and Nazi tattoos.

- Gn*mes are 100% responsible for hiding gherkins in McDonalds hamburgers.

- Those aren't fishing rods, they're blow dart-guns which the gn*mes use to tranquilise your pets then they dance around them in some satanic ritual and poke the dozing pet with spoons and a small selection of cocktail umbrellas.

- Gn*mes started the Vietnam war. Fact.

- You don't see many female gn*mes, do you? This is because once the female lays the male gn*mes eggs, she serves no more purpose and the other gn*mes eat her.... then they dance around her in some satanic ritual and poke the remains with sporks and the feet of dead baby otters.

- There are no such things as "hangovers". This mysterious ailment occurs when they see you return home late at night, notice that you're slightly incapacitated and take the opportunity to sneak into your house. While you sleep, they beat you repeatedly around the head with metal monopoly tokens and take it in turns to put their feet in your mouth....followed by the usual dancing around you and the poking you with tiny scissors bit.

-David Bowie's Laughing Gn*me. What? You need me to explain? Listen to it.

-

Crabby Crabby Crabby!

Yesterday, while chasing a small pink salmon around the deep-end of my pool, i came accross a small treasure chest. Having spent 23 minutes poking it with my beak, i finally managed to open it and found, to my surprise, a family of crabs.

The oldest crab, Daddy Crab, was called Simon and he introduced me to his lovely wife Margaret and his two children Tarquin and Pandora. They waved a friendly claw at me and asked me if i liked playing games.

Since my beachball was currently being repaired (i had a psychotic hissy-fit a few days ago when i was offered a frozen cod fillet and popped my beachball as a way of displaying my displeasure to my human captors), I decided to play with the little crabs.

The game was simple. I had to copy everything the little crabs did. They'd move to the left and I'd move to the left, they'd wink and so would i. Everything was going swimmingly until they all started scratching their shells. With my little flippers, i was unable to copy the crabs and so, in order to win, i simply ate the kids and dropped a big pebble on the treasure chest.

Have you ever had a case of crabs that made you scratch? Were they as irritating as the ones i had to put up with? How did you get rid of them?

Friday the 13th

OoooOOOOOooooh!! It's Friday the 13th and, apparently, that means that everyone is supposed to have bad-luck!

I believe the medical-term for this event is Trickydickydecahedronboswelloxianutrilliumasaurusagram. Make a note of that somewhere. Perhaps in a little faded diary with a picture of ladybirds on the front or something.

Anyway, since it IS foretold that bad things may happen to me, I've decided not to take any risks. I've "borrowed" a Horseshoe-Crab who was hiding under the mysterious pebble, asked the little minnows to hide pennies all over (and to make sure they're all "heads-up") so that i may find them, rubbed myself with Clover and I've also being touching anything that's made from wood.

I also own a rabbits foot but i cant help but think that this particular foot probably wasn't THAT lucky for the donating rabbit.

Think i may stay inside my plastic castle today and occasionally peer out if i hear the sound of a bucket full of fish being placed on the poolside.

Magicians

Harry Potter is ACE, isn't he? Yes he is. Yes he IS! but, let's face it, most other wand wranglers are a bit, well, rubbishy.

Most of them tend to do the same old shtick. Oh, you know the score, they'll find the EXACT playing card out of a shuffled pack, make a little rubber ball disappear and reappear under a metal cup and, on occasion, will saw a "lovely assistant" in half while she's encased in a magic box.

Paul Daniels used to suggest that we, the audience would like his tricks "not a lot" and, to be fair, he was correct and therefore was not subject to Trades Description penalties. But SOME of these white-rabbit fondling sickos actually feel that they're impressing us!

David Copperfield once made the Statue of Liberty disappear and also walked through the Great Wall of China while looking dead cool in his shoulder-padded jacket, bouffon hair, shades and leathery skin. Personally I'd like to see him make the Pyramids disappear up his bottom (with some cool dry-ice and scantily clad ladies posing to make it look more "arty").

And don't get me started on David Blaine. No, really, if i start I'll never stop then I'll feel all angry and take it out on the haddocks later.

The only exceptions are Penn & Teller who do all the same tricks as everyone else but at least add the vital elements of violence and breasts into the mix. I love you guys.

Anyway, erm... does anyone know where I put my beachball?

Smy or Pie?

It's a confusing world isn't it? I mean, somethings simply make no sense at all!

Why does fluff appear in your belly-button?

Where do bogeys come from?

Why is Justin Lee Collins famous?

We will never know the answers to those questions but for those of you who occasionally get all confuzzled between wether something is a pie or if it's me, i've compiled a handy guide:

Does the thing you're looking at have a layer of crust?

Does the thing you're looking at have a little hole at the top to let out steamy substances?

Is the thing you're looking at full of lovely chunks of goodness?

Would the thing you're looking at look delicious next to some chips?

Does the thing you're looking at have potential to create its own gravy?

Would you like to stuff the thing you're looking at in your mouth?

If left on a windowsill, would this thing be stolen by a cheeky scamp?

If you answered YES then you're looking at a PIE!

Does the thing you're looking at have a layer of crust?

Does the thing you're looking at have a little hole at the top to let out steamy substances?

Is the thing you're looking at full of lovely chunks of goodness?

Would the thing you're looking at look delicious next to some chips?

Does the thing you're looking at have potential to create its own gravy?

Would you like to stuff the thing you're looking at in your mouth?

If left on a windowsill, would this thing be stolen by a cheeky scamp?

If you answered YES then you're looking at SMY!

I'm glad we got this cleared up. I really am.

If the thing you're looking at is divisable by 3.14, then it's probably Pi. Ahem.

Easter Bunnies!

It's incredibly important to realise that the Easter Bunny is not quite as nice as he first appears.

Four years ago, I lent him a tenner which he said he was going to use to cure terminal diseases but moments later, i saw him entering Ladbroke's Betting Shop looking decidedly shifty.

I never got the money back either.

Here are ten other incredibly delicious things you did not know about this wretched creature:

1. He's immortal. Now, think about this. Only Gods and Demons and Elizabeth Taylor are immortal. He's not a God and I have never seen him entertaining Michael Jackson so.....

2. The eggs he places often contain nuts. He knows full well that many people have nut allergies and giggles with glee from behind the bushes if he sees someone having a seizure.

3. He is a shape-shifter. Initially he came to Earth in the shape of a Giant-Slor, then a Marshmallow Man and then as an Easter Crocodile before settling on the "bunny" look.

4. He doesn't lay the eggs himself. He has a battery farm in which chocolate chickens are kept in the worst possible conditions and threatened with a three-bar fire if they stop laying.

5. He's allergic to crumpets.

6. The Easter gig wasn't his first choice. He used to play bass for the Rolling Stones in the 6th and 7th centuries. He feels they've "sold out" in the last 400 years though and now prefers S-Club 7.

7. After leaving the trails of eggs, he sometimes leaves a surprise dog-turd in your sock drawer just for kicks.

8. No one has ever caught the bunny while he lays his egg trails. This is because he has a cloak of invisibility which he obtained in a card game with some elves.

9. He bites. Lots.

10. There is no Mrs Easter Bunny. She was killed in a horrific motoring accident while picking up some additional eggs for her husband from the local supermarket. He doesn't like to talk about it.

April

Goodness! It's April already? Is it? Wait, it flippin IS!!

Now, as we all know, April is associated with spring and also showers.

Having done an in-depth search of the darkest corners of the internet using the key-word "showers", I have found some very exciting facts which I feel MUST be shared immediately!

There are many types of shower. The most exciting ones are as follows:

April Showers - a series of rainy days throughout the 4th month of the year.

Wedding Showers - a complicated ritual to signify the matrimony of two people which requires the use of a loofah and some confetti.

Golden Showers - Something to do with Germany. I couldn't find more info on this but I'm assuming Bill Gates probably has at least 4 golden showers in his house. I'd love to see them.

Baby Showers - Old Testament punishment. Came right between the plague of locusts and the rain of frogs thingy. Very messy and keeps you awake at night.

Shower Gel - a substance produced by Kevin Spacey's character in the opening scene of American Beauty.

Meteor Showers - The only kind of shower hard enough to get Jack Bauer completely clean. Also known as The Jack Bauer Power Shower Hour.