Since we're on the subject of movies (we were, we really were), it's been announced that spectacular online video game,World of Warcraft, is to be turned into a major film franchise!
This will follow the other successful and highly acclaimed video-game to movie franchises such as:-
Resident Evil - a film full of shambling zombie creatures also known as 'the cast' who manage to terrify you totally with their unbelievably scary acting abilities.
Doom - The Rock (real name Nigel Farquar Pennyworth) as a commando who must go to hell and back to rescue his friends. Unfortunately, the audience also has to go to hell and back for 94 minutes, many of whom even paid for the experience...and yes, we CAN smell what you're cooking, Rockypoos.
Dead Or Alive - a film which has lots of semi clad ladies with very jiggly breasts. Sadly overlooked at the Oscars last year but i cant rate this film highly enough (read the previous sentence again if you need to know why).
Anyway, Warcraft... If you've ever played this game, you'll already know what to expect from the plot. If the film makers are going for accuracy, then it really should go something like this...
The credits will take 6 hours to get through as, during this time, they will be installing all the latest patches.
For the first hour, our hero will spend time killing squirrels and piglets and kobolds ('you take no candle') in order to Level Up enough so he can fight bigger monsters and start his quest. Ding!!
A group of dwarfs will walk past the hero spouting 32 different Chuck Norris jokes.
Our penniless hero will stand still for 20 minutes then will suddenly and mysteriously have 2000 gold pieces in his wallet, a sly look on his face and a slightly dented credit card.
Our hero will see an elf in distress and will rush to help. After defeating the rabid otter cub, the elf will insult the hero and complain that he 'stole his kill' for the next 27 minutes until the hero ignores him.
On the way to the evil sorcerer's castle, our hero will find himself fighting against three bears (sans porridge). After just beating them and while gasping for breath, a level 1 newbie troll will stab our hero in the foot then say 'zug zug zug' which literally translates as 'gankity gank gank gank'.
A female elf will offer to dance naked for the hero while standing on a table. Our hero will clap and then tell a joke about goblins.
The evil sorcerer unleashes his pet at our hero. Narrowly avoiding death, the hero kills the pet and loots the body to find a magical sword. Three dwarfs will complain that it was actually their sword and that the hero should give it to them anyway cos he can't equip it and anyway, they need the money more than he does and that if he doesn't give them the sword, theyre going to tell a member of Blizzard Staff about him and get his accounts closed and and and.....yada yada yada...'
Our hero will feel a gnome brush lightly past his leg during a long ship voyage and will instantly vomit 38 times in a row and then scrub his entire body with bleach until he no longer feels 'unclean'.
Our hero will finally reach the Sorcerer's tower, making his way stealthily to the highest room, he faces the sorcerer at last! He reaches for his magical weapon and....'Blizzard are currently removing this server for downtime repairs. Thank you for your patience and the £14.99 a month. We appreciate it. No really, we do. Cheers!'
The End!
We're there opening night, right?
