UFOs

Once upon a time it seemed that the only people seeing UFOs were hillbilly types from backwater parts of America and Kippax and hobos who would immediately look at the bottle they had been drinking from for a second before throwing it over their shoulder while mumbling 'never again....bleughhh....' or something.

Flying Saucers can be seen just about everywhere these days and they are not constrained to Hell's Kitchen either! On an average week of televisual delights, one can see half a dozen repeats of X-Files, Taken and a bazillion other sci-fi shows featuring spooky visitors from outer space.

I have nothing against this. In fact, i feel it's very important that we ARE prepared for the arrival of beings from other worlds. However, the important questions must be answered in advance to avoid one of those awkward silences that happens when someone makes a joke about a Polish penguin just at the moment that Krzystof Pinguski comes through the door (we've all made that mistake, right?).

Anyhoo, below are a selection of questions i believe will be imperative to get the answers to before little green men set foot on our lovely planet:

1. Bourbon or Custard Creams?
Can you imagine if they don't like either or if they have a nut allergy or something? We'd have to serve them Jaffa Cakes or those little pink wafery ones that no one really likes (apart from freaks...you know who you are).

2. Coffee or Tea?
To serve the wrong one might mean certain death to the Prime Minister or President who's serving it. What if their alien DNA evolved from coffee beans? Is it polite to offer someone a drink made out of their dead relatives? Do they like sugar? Cream? Nutmeg sprinkles? The list is endless...

3. Should you offer them a Golden Otter now...or later?
When IS the best time to present someone with the greatest thing on the planet?

4. Shake hands/Flippers/Tentacles?
What if they greet one another by shoving a small selection of fresh fruit into each other's cavities? We all know how much they enjoy 'probing' humans... should we simply be naked from the waist down and walk backwards towards them while clutching a tube of Vaseline?

5. Tongues or No Tongues?
Is it polite to go for the full-frenchie on the first meeting? Perhaps it's rude NOT to. Either way, it's probably best to have some Mintoes handy just in case.

6. Kylie or Jason?
Background music for that monumetal moment is very important but does one play the soothing, slightly chipmunk-y sounding pop-beats of Miss Minogue-the wonder midget or the painful, screechy, no-talent mumblings of every one's 18th favourite Australian named Jason? Decisions, decisions...