World of Flippin' Warcraft-The Movie!

Since we're on the subject of movies (we were, we really were), it's been announced that spectacular online video game,World of Warcraft, is to be turned into a major film franchise!

This will follow the other successful and highly acclaimed video-game to movie franchises such as:-

Resident Evil - a film full of shambling zombie creatures also known as 'the cast' who manage to terrify you totally with their unbelievably scary acting abilities.

Doom - The Rock (real name Nigel Farquar Pennyworth) as a commando who must go to hell and back to rescue his friends. Unfortunately, the audience also has to go to hell and back for 94 minutes, many of whom even paid for the experience...and yes, we CAN smell what you're cooking, Rockypoos.

Dead Or Alive - a film which has lots of semi clad ladies with very jiggly breasts. Sadly overlooked at the Oscars last year but i cant rate this film highly enough (read the previous sentence again if you need to know why).

Anyway, Warcraft... If you've ever played this game, you'll already know what to expect from the plot. If the film makers are going for accuracy, then it really should go something like this...

The credits will take 6 hours to get through as, during this time, they will be installing all the latest patches.

For the first hour, our hero will spend time killing squirrels and piglets and kobolds ('you take no candle') in order to Level Up enough so he can fight bigger monsters and start his quest. Ding!!

A group of dwarfs will walk past the hero spouting 32 different Chuck Norris jokes.

Our penniless hero will stand still for 20 minutes then will suddenly and mysteriously have 2000 gold pieces in his wallet, a sly look on his face and a slightly dented credit card.

Our hero will see an elf in distress and will rush to help. After defeating the rabid otter cub, the elf will insult the hero and complain that he 'stole his kill' for the next 27 minutes until the hero ignores him.

On the way to the evil sorcerer's castle, our hero will find himself fighting against three bears (sans porridge). After just beating them and while gasping for breath, a level 1 newbie troll will stab our hero in the foot then say 'zug zug zug' which literally translates as 'gankity gank gank gank'.

A female elf will offer to dance naked for the hero while standing on a table. Our hero will clap and then tell a joke about goblins.

The evil sorcerer unleashes his pet at our hero. Narrowly avoiding death, the hero kills the pet and loots the body to find a magical sword. Three dwarfs will complain that it was actually their sword and that the hero should give it to them anyway cos he can't equip it and anyway, they need the money more than he does and that if he doesn't give them the sword, theyre going to tell a member of Blizzard Staff about him and get his accounts closed and and and.....yada yada yada...'

Our hero will feel a gnome brush lightly past his leg during a long ship voyage and will instantly vomit 38 times in a row and then scrub his entire body with bleach until he no longer feels 'unclean'.

Our hero will finally reach the Sorcerer's tower, making his way stealthily to the highest room, he faces the sorcerer at last! He reaches for his magical weapon and....'Blizzard are currently removing this server for downtime repairs. Thank you for your patience and the £14.99 a month. We appreciate it. No really, we do. Cheers!'

The End!

We're there opening night, right?

The Sims - The Movie

There i was, casually flippering my Dolphin-O-Type 2000 for the latest news about fish-fingers when it was brought to my attention that Hollywood are making a big budget film of the popular PC game, The Sims!

For those that have never played it, and therefore probably live in a cave and smell of stale cabbages, The Sims is a game in which you play at families. Its a dolls house on your computer which allows you to 'create' your own story while ensuring your sim-peeps eat, drink, sleep and watch TV from time to time in order to stay sane and healthy.

All the makings of a blockbuster then, right?

So, just in case Hollywood change their mind(s), here are a few other game- movie ideas which would be potentially even MORE exciting than watching The Sims movie:

1. Ms. Pac Man * - The Movie: In which Jessica Alba plays the title role of a young yellow spherical girl who is new at her preppy high school. During this tragic tale, she finds herself getting addicted to 'power pills', binge eats and hallucinates about dead spirits chasing her. Directed by Mike Leigh.

2. Mario Kart- The Chronicles of Wario: Think 2 Fast 2 Furious, now replace Vin Diesel with a small turtle and change the setting from underground racing to brightly coloured islands where crabs throw fish at you as you drive by. See? See? Directed by Michael Bay.

3. Leisure Suit Larry- The Musical: Tom 'definitely-not-gay' Cruise plays the much misunderstood Larry, every one's second favourite comedy sex-pest after Quagmire in Family Guy. A rollercoaster of fun ensues as Larry has lots of casual relationships with mostly willing females. Paul Verhoeven directs.

4. Tekken Tag Tournament -Episode IV A New Hope: Sean Connery IS Heihachi Mishima. Ok, that's actually the only reason i included this one. Directed by Alan Bennet.

5. Monkey Island Trilogy: This would be ACE! It would have a young blond pirate wannabe in it, a love interest who would be from noble blood, a ghostly evil pirate villain who would look like he's decomposing, comedy swaggering pirates, lots of grog and sword fights, a voodoo priestess who lives in a swamp and surrounds herself with jars full of icky stuff like you'd find in teenage girls' bedrooms, stirring music, a curse of some sort and a comedy dog with keys in its mouth.

Oh, and it would be a trilogy.

I think this would be the perfect project for someone like....oooh, Johnny Depp? Gore Verbinski could direct it perhaps...Hollywood, are you listening? This would be ace!! Make it now!

Failing that, i'm still waiting for Etch-A-Sketch or a My Little Pony film. David Fincher could direct that.


*Not to be confused with Ms Premenstrual Pac Man in which the ghosts chase her for a bit until she snaps and kills them all with a spoon.

Solid Cake!

So anyway, If I was a video game character, i would NOT choose Solid Snake or someone rather hard-as-nails from Tekken or Streetfighter. Nor would i be a poncy, long haired girly-boy from Final Fantasy! No sirree bob... I would be Parappa the Rappa.

Didn't anyone else have sorta "bad" feelings towards his girlfriend, the sunflower? She WAS sorta erm.... errr... "hot", right?

Sex-Box 360

Sometimes, when I'm not too busy showing my human captors how to program their VCRs, I like to indulge in hot geeky gaming action.

Luckily, since the advent of wireless remotes and stuff, I can now hold a control pad relatively easily in my flippers from the comfort of the shallow-end of my pool.

Unfortunately the month of January is decidedly poo when it comes to game releases and February, like a whore, is flaunting its offers yet is unattainable.

In light of this travesty of events, I have decided that instead of playing older-games (ewwww), I will:

Learn to identify at least 12 stars by their names

Perfect my James Stewart impression

Polish my Star Wars replica Lightsaber until it gleams

Try NOT to insult the French for the next 19 days

Finish my guide to "building the perfect Murloc trap". This should be available in all good book shops and probably quite a few nasty ones by next November.