World of Flippin' Warcraft-The Movie!

Since we're on the subject of movies (we were, we really were), it's been announced that spectacular online video game,World of Warcraft, is to be turned into a major film franchise!

This will follow the other successful and highly acclaimed video-game to movie franchises such as:-

Resident Evil - a film full of shambling zombie creatures also known as 'the cast' who manage to terrify you totally with their unbelievably scary acting abilities.

Doom - The Rock (real name Nigel Farquar Pennyworth) as a commando who must go to hell and back to rescue his friends. Unfortunately, the audience also has to go to hell and back for 94 minutes, many of whom even paid for the experience...and yes, we CAN smell what you're cooking, Rockypoos.

Dead Or Alive - a film which has lots of semi clad ladies with very jiggly breasts. Sadly overlooked at the Oscars last year but i cant rate this film highly enough (read the previous sentence again if you need to know why).

Anyway, Warcraft... If you've ever played this game, you'll already know what to expect from the plot. If the film makers are going for accuracy, then it really should go something like this...

The credits will take 6 hours to get through as, during this time, they will be installing all the latest patches.

For the first hour, our hero will spend time killing squirrels and piglets and kobolds ('you take no candle') in order to Level Up enough so he can fight bigger monsters and start his quest. Ding!!

A group of dwarfs will walk past the hero spouting 32 different Chuck Norris jokes.

Our penniless hero will stand still for 20 minutes then will suddenly and mysteriously have 2000 gold pieces in his wallet, a sly look on his face and a slightly dented credit card.

Our hero will see an elf in distress and will rush to help. After defeating the rabid otter cub, the elf will insult the hero and complain that he 'stole his kill' for the next 27 minutes until the hero ignores him.

On the way to the evil sorcerer's castle, our hero will find himself fighting against three bears (sans porridge). After just beating them and while gasping for breath, a level 1 newbie troll will stab our hero in the foot then say 'zug zug zug' which literally translates as 'gankity gank gank gank'.

A female elf will offer to dance naked for the hero while standing on a table. Our hero will clap and then tell a joke about goblins.

The evil sorcerer unleashes his pet at our hero. Narrowly avoiding death, the hero kills the pet and loots the body to find a magical sword. Three dwarfs will complain that it was actually their sword and that the hero should give it to them anyway cos he can't equip it and anyway, they need the money more than he does and that if he doesn't give them the sword, theyre going to tell a member of Blizzard Staff about him and get his accounts closed and and and.....yada yada yada...'

Our hero will feel a gnome brush lightly past his leg during a long ship voyage and will instantly vomit 38 times in a row and then scrub his entire body with bleach until he no longer feels 'unclean'.

Our hero will finally reach the Sorcerer's tower, making his way stealthily to the highest room, he faces the sorcerer at last! He reaches for his magical weapon and....'Blizzard are currently removing this server for downtime repairs. Thank you for your patience and the £14.99 a month. We appreciate it. No really, we do. Cheers!'

The End!

We're there opening night, right?

Corrie

While tinkering away on my waterproof internet connection, i noticed that Hollywood are planning on making a 60's Star Trek movie with an all new shiny cast and sexy special effects!

Apparently the requirement of Scotty is for an actor that can do a 'flawless Scottish accent'... wouldn't this break continuity? I mean, he never had one before, right?

Anyway, since the Movie Business seems preoccupied in making 60's and 70's big-screen events, it's only a matter of time before long running UK soap opera Coronation Street gets the Hollywood treatment.

The pitch, in my opinion, would be something like this....

Voice Over -'In a land that time forgot, a man must stand alone if he is to break out of....The Street!'

Top business man Mike Baldwin (Al Pacino) has moved into the street. His power and natural animal magnetism has ensured that Diedre (Julia Roberts) has been swept away in a tornado of passion. Ken Barlow (Robert Redford), Diedre's husband must fight to win his true love's heart back and put an end to Mike's underhand business tactics.

Meanwhile Jack Duckworth (Kevin Spacey) and his glamourous wife Vera (Jessica Alba) have taken ownership of the local bar. The residents of the street spearheaded by Fred Elliot (Steven Seagal), Norris Cole (Danny DeVito) and Betty Turpin (J-Lo) attempt to stop Jack and Vera from installing a jukebox and disrupting the peace.

Trouble ensues when mysterious stranger, Derek Wilton (Gary Coleman) enters the bar and reveals the secret of 'Betty's Hotpot'.

Directed by David Fincher.

Robots

If we've learned anything from watching sci-fi movies over the years, it's that in the future, we will all have robots and that these robots will, with no uncertainty, be gay.

Take a long hard think about any robots you have seen in films and you will notice that in every single case, the little metal helper will be camper than a row of pink tents.

Not that I'm homo-robo-phobic you understand, I'm simply stating the fact that if two of these robots were left together in a room with a bottle of WD40, the chances are that they'd end up indulging in some hot metal-on-metal action then redecorate the room with throw-pillows and pretty matching curtains.

Personally, I'd love a gay robot. I imagine they'd do a fantastic job of lubing my blow-hole from time to time..... wait, I'll rephrase that... erm.... err.... OK, let's just move on.

C3-PO is undoubtedly never going to be seen drinking directly from a beer-bottle anytime soon and would probably insist on putting a coaster down before ordering a fruity cocktail in any establishment that would serve him.

If the Daleks and K-9 had arms, you could bet your stamp collection that they'd probably have a lovely pink prada handbag swinging from them as they minced into battle.

HAL from 2001 and KITT from Knight Rider were only ever a few seconds away from mentioning that their human male friends' shoes didn't really match their pants and they both reportedly used to complain often about feeling bloated or blaming Hollywood for not making more Wizard of Oz sequels.

The Smash Potato robots.... well, do i even need to try to convince you about them?

The only exception to the rule is Metal Mickey, a forgotten early 80s metal love-machine that had a thing for older women and fizzy bon-bons.

If anyone can inform me of a totally heterosexual robot, please let me know. These are the kind of things that keep me up at night!

August

Wow! It's flippin' August! That means that there's only four months for you to decide what to buy me for Christmas! I'm sure that, as you read this, you're already compiling a huge list of things I'd like and crossing off the things which you know I'd throw back at you and then hiss at you for thirty-seven minutes while splashing you with dirty pool water.

But anyway, it's August and that means FACTS!

Apparently August used to be the 6th month of the year until January and February came along and spoiled everything. March was the first month and that makes perfect sense since i was born in March and all time should really be measured in relation to how close/far we are to my birthday.

The astrological signs for August begin with Leo (named after Leonardo the teenage ninja turtle and occasional sculptor/painter/interior decorator) and Virgo (named after crappy ex-snooker player, John Virgo).

In Finland (the place where i bought my fins), the month is called elokuu which apparently means Month of Reaping. Not to be confused with a month of raping which is not advisable in any way as this often leads to severe chaffing and a court appearance.

It's also Women's Small Business Month so if you're a woman (check now, we'll wait........... ...... ........... OK, you're ready?) and you have a business (check now, we'll wait.........dum de dum.....) and that business happens to be erm...small (check now using a tape measure and a notepad..we'll wait........), then you should really be reading this while blowing out the candle atop a small bun.

This should not be confused with Small Women's Business Month which is celebrated solely by Jeanette Krankie and Smurfette (who happens to run a massage therapy treatment centre near Oslo).

Big Brother is a big pile of poo...discuss.

Whenever i come up for air or to simply show off my leaping-through-hoops ability or to press the 'feed Smy fish' button repeatedly until my human captors arrive with a nice salmon for me, i have to listen to the inane chatter from the scientists and pool cleaners and Cetacean Interior Decorator Specialists as they discuss the horror that is Big Brother.*

"Did you know Chantelle has left the house?"

"I couldn't believe it when Nick took the last apple this morning!"

"The cliche homosexual stereotype one was having a screaming, shrieking, hissy-fit this morning and it was really intense! I thought i might spill my cocoa!"

These and many other sentences are bandied about between my human, flipperless observers.

The entire concept for this 'programme' seems completely rubbish to me and so i have come up with an alternative....

Big Daddy would be a programme in which the only-slightly-dead zombiefied corpse of 'professional' wrestler, Shirley Crabtree (aka Big Daddy, aka The Blonde Adonis, aka Mr Universe) is left in the house with 12 contestants.

The usual array of 'zany'** members of the public would have to try and attempt to stay alive as long as possible as (don't call me) Shirley would attempt to use his trademark Belly Buster moves on them and then devour their brains with a straw and a spork.

Anyone surviving longer than 12 minutes would be awarded the opportunity to allow another dead UK wrestler to come to their aid and fight Shirley off for a bit.

Davina and the crowds would chant 'Easy!! Easy!!' until eventually Big Daddy is left alone in the house surrounded by twitching corpses and a blunted spork.

Who wouldn't watch THAT?

*longest sentence ever.

** See also 'irritating' and 'ridiculous' and 'wastes of space'.

Wombles!

For anyone taking a trip to London for the first time, a must-see tourist spot is Wimbledon Common.

Personally, i try to avoid anything common but on this occasion, even i am intrigued for this is the stomping ground of The Wombles.

In the 1970s, The Wombles were well known for tidying up the surrounding area, making 'good use of the things that they found' and being generally rather nice but once the cameras stopped rolling and the BBC documentary team went home for the final time (somewhere around 1975), these lovable furry creatures sort of fell off the radar.

'Whatever happened to them Smy, you deliciously lickable creature?' I hear you ask. Well, using the power of the interweb, i have discovered the truth. Read on:

Great Uncle Bulgaria: Personally, i never really saw what was so 'great' about him. I'd say he was 'above average' at best. But after the final curtain fell on him, he fell into alcoholism, often found near bottle-banks, licking the insides of empty wine bottles and draining the last remnants of cider into a paper cup and shaking his fist angrily at squirrels.

Tobemory: In the series, his skills as an inventor and handyman were unsurpassed but once the limelight was stolen from him, he found it difficult to get a patent for his inventions which included the Breville Badger Toaster - 'ideal for stripey late night snacks' and his Otter-Away-Spray which was, quite simply, a ridiculous thing to invent.

Bungo: Known for being rather bossy, it turned out that he was struggling with an inner desire to be a lady. After a slightly dodgy bit of surgery from Tobemory and his 'Winky-Goodbye-Slice-O-Matic' gadget, Bungo is now known as Bungolina and lives in Wales.

Tomsk: In the show, it appeared that Tomsk was simply super-fit. Very energetic and full of beans. Turned out that he was simply injecting Cocaine directly into his eyeballs each morning. Tomsk was found selling 'furry-hand-specials' and 'snuffle-jobs' to sailors to pay for his habit in the 1990s and subsequently went on to appear in hardcore videos which can still be found on eBay if you look hard enough.

Madame Cholet: Seen making intriguing meals for the others during the 70s show but her love of unique dishes went one step too far and she was arrested in 1991 for attempted cannibalism. Mme. Cholet is the author of three best selling cookbooks and has shares in the KFC (Knightsbridge Fried Cockroach) Chain.

Orinoco: Often touted as being 'the rather dim one' in the group, Orinoco was declared 'mentally challenged' in 1987 but this did not stop him from winning three chess matches against Bobby Fischer in 1979 or inventing the Pop Tart. Currently Orinoco is serving time in the London Prison for Rodents for exposing himself to three Japanese schoolgirls. He is up for appeal in 2013.

Floods!!

As anyone not stuck in a cave, a plastic tupperware box, or a glass specimen jar on a giant's shelf knows, it's been raining a lot in the UK recently.

I really don't see what the fuss is all about. Surely all this water makes it easier for you all to swim to the shops using your fins and gills and splashy flippe.....oh, wait, i forgot.

Yes, i can see it might be a bit troublesome for those people without webbed toes (the residents of Kippax* are OK then). But Let's not complain too much, right? We should be making the most of this valuable opportunity!

OK, so your slippers might not dry for the next three weeks but think about it, you could have your very own family of ducks in your living room. Think of the excitement as you try to turn the TV channel only to find that Colin the Mallard has eaten the remote control and is quacking with happiness as he forces you to endure another hour of The Ricki Lake Show (ducks love anything with 'lakes' in).

Make little inflatable lifevests and a raft for the cat and push it around the dining room until it gets a bit stroppy.

Pretend your kitchen is the galley of a sinking pirate ship. Make the family dress up and force them to say 'Garrrhhhh!' and 'that it be' instead of 'yes it is'. Drink rum and eat dry crackers and make a hook out of tinfoil and a baguette.

Fish! Cast a line out from the bedroom window and see what you can catch from what used to be your garden.

Lure a family of otters into your home using the aforementioned line with a sausage on the end. Otters love sausage.

*a rather inbred village in the North of England. Think 'The Wicker Man' but without electricity or rational thoughts.