Game Show Hosts

At least one romantic relationship of mine has ended with my 'special friend' mentioning that i exude the characteristics of a game show host.

Although i took this to mean that i am suave, sophisticated and quick-witted, there's always a slight nagging feeling in the back of my brain which makes me wonder 'did they mean that i was irritating, cheesy and own some particularly bad ties?'.

Of course, we all know that couldn't possibly be true but it made me wonder what other exciting characteristics game show hosts have. I would imagine the main points to include on the c.v. would be:

The ability to 'smarm' - whether the member of the public (eww) is a fat, ginger girl from Glasgow or a stunning Norwegian foxette, you must maintain eye contact while simpering, flirting and generally oozing all over her while you read out her 'interesting statistics' from a little card.

Look earnest - Ohhhh Nigel from Hull just missed out on the trip to Hawaii by naming only 6 of the 7 dwarfs within the allotted time but now is not the time to smirk or laugh until milk comes out of your nose. No no, sir! You must look like you've just seen Bambi's mother brutally murdered and offer a consolatory hug.

Be sexually excited by old ladies - there's something about game show and grannies. They never miss the opportunity to make rather crude double-entendres or pinch their wrinkly bottoms at any given moment throughout the show.

Be multi-talented - The best game show hosts can't JUST schmooze! Many of them have a huge array of skills. Brucie can tap dance, Monkhouse can remember over a zillion jokes and Winton can be gay on cue! Amazing!!

Make people laugh - for the most part, they'll be laughing at you and not with you but that's fine. Just keep on mugging to the camera as you tell Colin from Dorset all about the features of the Moulinex Multi Speed Blender and try to conceal your own bitter tears of self-loathing.

To be orange - Although not compulsory, let's face it, all the best hosts are a lovely shade of tangerine. Brucie, Monkhouse, Winton... you know, 'the greats'.


See? I can write an entire post without mentioning otters...oh, wait... damn!