Friday 27 April 2007

The Gingerbread Man


Every now and then, i like to treat the smallest minnows to a bedtime story. As they all settled quietly against their spongey pillows and pulled the covers over their sea-beds, i began...


Once upon a time there was a baker and his wife. They lived in a far-away kingdom, over the rainbow, through the magical forest, down in dingely dell - turn left after the roundabout with the McDonalds on it.


The baker loved his wife very much and together they shared a little flat above their bakery. It was one of those converted barn type places that you see in Ikea magazines. You know the kind of thing, lots of wood panelling and tables in the shape of giant leaves and stuff.. bit poncey really but let's not get sidetracked...


The one thing they wanted more than anything (except for a golden otter, obviously), was a child but, try as they might, the baker's wife could not give birth. They'd tried everything from Viagra to rubbing themselves in strawberry custard while singing Chesney Hawks song(s) and trying desperately to not think about Chesney's mole. Nothing worked. One night, Mrs Baker (for that was her name and also an amazing coincidence) even tried wearing a latex penguin outfit for her husband but all that resulted in was a slight rash and an aversion to raw fish for the following three months.


On a pleasant afternoon in June, Mr Baker (for that was his name and also an amazing coincidence), rushed into the bakery looking very excited! His wife gasped as he threw open the door and almost dropped the cake in the shape of a giant weasel she'd been making for the National Weasel Association.


"My Wife! My Wife! I have the answer to our dreams!...No, not the dream where we're both turned into doughnuts and licked by hungry plumbers, the other dream" Said the Baker. "As i was walking through the magical forest, an elf gave me this special flour! The elf was snorting the special flour through a straw but he told me it was 'good shizzle' and sold me some for 20 gold pieces!"


Mrs Baker did not seem impressed, in fact it was quite clear that she was considering divorce for the 18th time that month. "And this helps us......how?" She enquired with a sarcasm rating of 9.6 on the Sarcometer.


"Well", said Mr Baker who had decided not to notice the sarcasm, "With this flour we can bake ourselves a child! Look, let me show you!"


Within minutes, Mr Baker was throwing ingredients into a big bowl; seven eggs, some margarine, a sprinkle of salt...yada yada yada... Anyway, you get the idea. PLUS he added the magical flour. He Stirred the mixture until it was all gloopy like the texture of a smurf's water bed and then put it in the oven.


An hour passed and the baker and his wife (who by now had already consulted a divorce lawyer and her best friend, Edith, who had told her she could move in immediately), opened the oven door.


The mixture had set into gingerbread. Taking a cutter, the baker cut out the shape of a gingerbread-boy. He piped some lips, some eyes, and some buttons onto the boy with some lovely pink icing and waited.


There was a flash of blinding light and a sort of "thrrrrping" noise and the little gingerbread boy came to life! He bounced up and started doing a little dance - one of those embarrassing dances where you point your thumbs in the air and shuffle - a bit like how dads dance at weddings. "Tee-Hee-Hee!" said the little gingerbread-boy.


The Baker and his wife were stunned but before they had a chance to speak, the little gingerbread-boy had bounced off the table.


"Run, Run as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!" He squealed in a really irritating voice.


Unfortunately for the gingerbread-boy, his legs were soft and only 2 inches long and his top running speed was about the same as your average hedgehog so, he was easily caught.


The baker and wife looked at one another then snapped off his gingerbread arms and legs and dunked them in their coffee.


The moral of the story is that no one likes a ginger - especially when they're smug.

Tuesday 24 April 2007

Meeses


While in my usual spot at the edge of the pool, casually flippering my Dolphin-o-Type 2000 computer, a little cod came over to me and mentioned that i should try using a mouse instead of using the keyboard.


The cod seemed very sure of himself and so, using my incredible high-pitched sonar skills, i attracted a group of rodents to the edge of my pool.


I ordered them to type for me but they were flippin' useless! Between them they managed to type "gjwr r r roityuyh..eiwcheesejjjsjsi, dmduhhhhh".


The cod popped over again and said "No, no, no! A mouse is something you roll in your hand on a mouse-mat instead of using cursors and tabs and stuff."


Again, the cod seemed VERY confident so i picked up one of the mouses (meese? moose? what IS the plural?) and rolled him about in my flipper.


As i attempted to "double-click", there was a little squeaking noise followed by a slight crunchy-crunchy noise and i realised that my "rolling and clicking" seemed to have made the mouse go all soft and squishy and it had left "mouse-juice" all over my keyboard.


I'm sticking to using the buttons from now on. Meeces are rubbish! Perhaps badgers would be better...

Sunday 22 April 2007

Mozilla Vs Godzilla


A little while ago we road-tested hedgehogs and badgers in order to ensure all my dolphin-friendly blogger folks were aware of which to get. This month, to further enrich your lives, we bring you another exciting test!!


Godzilla Vs Mozilla


Godzilla:


Ability to scare people in Tokyo - 10/10: A great start to our test. The scaly lizard can easily frighten even the most senior members of the Yakuza without even breaking a sweat.


Ability to find internet corn - 2/10: Although Godzilla probably could find just about anything eventually, it's usually just an accident and generally involves her levelling an entire city first.


Strength - 8/10: She can take out small armies (and probably quite a few legsies too. ahem. sorry). She can destroy giant mechanical moths but she has been beaten once or twice, at least until the sequel.


Technical Support - 2/10: pretty limited unless we're counting the crappy Hanna Barbera cartoon (which we're not because it sucked and had some beardy blokey captain in it who looked like a child-killer AND the worlds most irritating animated creation, Godzuki who makes me want to pop my own eyeballs out with spoons when i think about him).


Weaknesses - 4/10: Pretty much every radiation-powered beasty has taken a shot at Godzilla and she has been killed many times by various psychotic creatures over petty arguments about the merits of salted or sweet popcorn and why mothra leaves the toilet seat up all the time.






Mozilla:


Ability to scare people in Tokyo - 1/10: Poor effort. Only a handful of children are scared by Mozilla and that's usually when they stumble on to this blog by accident.


Ability to find internet corn - 10/10: Top marks for the Moz! Typing "corn" into its little googley-woogly tool-bar results in high quality corn-on-corn action in seconds!


Strength - 128Bit/10: Ahahahaahahah.. erm... sorry (again).


Technical Support - 8/10: The busy Mozzites work around the clock* to ensure that there little browser works splendiferously well.


Weaknesses - 5/10: Happy hackers from around the world, when not slamming their doors after an argument with their parents or arranging their Marylin Manson CDs in order of gloominess, spend their time searching out and exploiting poor little Moz weaknesses and, occasionally they succeed. If i could make a fist shape with my flipper, i'd shake it at them.


Overall Winner: Mozilla!


Although Mozilla cant help if you if your city is under attack from an oversized jellyfish tentacle named Graham or stop an annoying neighbour playing music after 1am by smashing his house into tiny pieces with a lizardy toe, it CAN help with your homework, find copious amounts of hot barely-legal corn action and also tell you if it's going to rain later.


I don't think Godzilla could even hold a mouse with her tiny little hands.




*Monday to Friday 9.00 while 17.00 except on Bank Holidays, Jewish festivals or National Stroke-An- Otter Day.

Wednesday 18 April 2007

The "g" word.


OK, anyone that knows me will know that one of my greatest phobias is being placed in a small wardrobe full to the brim with gnomes. I'm sure it's the top of your list of awful things too and if it isn't, then you're obviously some kind of sick, dyslexic pervert that has stumbled onto this website by typing in keywords like "Internet Corn".


Even writing the word makes me a bit queasy so for the rest of this post, i shall refer to them as "gn*mes" or something.


There are many varieties of them but the most common type is the Garden Gn*me. Why do people let them in their gardens? If only they realised just how flippin' awful they obviously are!


Here are the top reasons to NOT allow them near YOUR petunias:


- They have tiny fangs. Note how many of them keep their evil, smiley mouths closed. They like nothing more than sinking their teeth into baby badgers and scampering voles.


- "Oh they look so cute with their little pointy hats". They wear hats to hide their demonic little pointy horns and Nazi tattoos.


- Gn*mes are 100% responsible for hiding gherkins in McDonalds hamburgers.


- Those aren't fishing rods, they're blow dart-guns which the gn*mes use to tranquilise your pets then they dance around them in some satanic ritual and poke the dozing pet with spoons and a small selection of cocktail umbrellas.


- Gn*mes started the Vietnam war. Fact.


- You don't see many female gn*mes, do you? This is because once the female lays the male gn*mes eggs, she serves no more purpose and the other gn*mes eat her.... then they dance around her in some satanic ritual and poke the remains with sporks and the feet of dead baby otters.


- There are no such things as "hangovers". This mysterious ailment occurs when they see you return home late at night, notice that you're slightly incapacitated and take the opportunity to sneak into your house. While you sleep, they beat you repeatedly around the head with metal monopoly tokens and take it in turns to put their feet in your mouth....followed by the usual dancing around you and the poking you with tiny scissors bit.


-David Bowie's Laughing Gn*me. What? You need me to explain? Listen to it.






-

Tuesday 17 April 2007

Crabby Crabby Crabby!


Yesterday, while chasing a small pink salmon around the deep-end of my pool, i came accross a small treasure chest. Having spent 23 minutes poking it with my beak, i finally managed to open it and found, to my surprise, a family of crabs.


The oldest crab, Daddy Crab, was called Simon and he introduced me to his lovely wife Margaret and his two children Tarquin and Pandora. They waved a friendly claw at me and asked me if i liked playing games.


Since my beachball was currently being repaired (i had a psychotic hissy-fit a few days ago when i was offered a frozen cod fillet and popped my beachball as a way of displaying my displeasure to my human captors), I decided to play with the little crabs.


The game was simple. I had to copy everything the little crabs did. They'd move to the left and I'd move to the left, they'd wink and so would i. Everything was going swimmingly until they all started scratching their shells. With my little flippers, i was unable to copy the crabs and so, in order to win, i simply ate the kids and dropped a big pebble on the treasure chest.


Have you ever had a case of crabs that made you scratch? Were they as irritating as the ones i had to put up with? How did you get rid of them?

Friday 13 April 2007

Friday the 13th


OoooOOOOOooooh!! It's Friday the 13th and, apparently, that means that everyone is supposed to have bad-luck!


I believe the medical-term for this event is Trickydickydecahedronboswelloxianutrilliumasaurusagram. Make a note of that somewhere. Perhaps in a little faded diary with a picture of ladybirds on the front or something.


Anyway, since it IS foretold that bad things may happen to me, I've decided not to take any risks. I've "borrowed" a Horseshoe-Crab who was hiding under the mysterious pebble, asked the little minnows to hide pennies all over (and to make sure they're all "heads-up") so that i may find them, rubbed myself with Clover and I've also being touching anything that's made from wood.


I also own a rabbits foot but i cant help but think that this particular foot probably wasn't THAT lucky for the donating rabbit.


Think i may stay inside my plastic castle today and occasionally peer out if i hear the sound of a bucket full of fish being placed on the poolside.

Wednesday 11 April 2007

Magicians


Harry Potter is ACE, isn't he? Yes he is. Yes he IS! but, let's face it, most other wand wranglers are a bit, well, rubbishy.


Most of them tend to do the same old shtick. Oh, you know the score, they'll find the EXACT playing card out of a shuffled pack, make a little rubber ball disappear and reappear under a metal cup and, on occasion, will saw a "lovely assistant" in half while she's encased in a magic box.


Paul Daniels used to suggest that we, the audience would like his tricks "not a lot" and, to be fair, he was correct and therefore was not subject to Trades Description penalties. But SOME of these white-rabbit fondling sickos actually feel that they're impressing us!


David Copperfield once made the Statue of Liberty disappear and also walked through the Great Wall of China while looking dead cool in his shoulder-padded jacket, bouffon hair, shades and leathery skin. Personally I'd like to see him make the Pyramids disappear up his bottom (with some cool dry-ice and scantily clad ladies posing to make it look more "arty").


And don't get me started on David Blaine. No, really, if i start I'll never stop then I'll feel all angry and take it out on the haddocks later.


The only exceptions are Penn & Teller who do all the same tricks as everyone else but at least add the vital elements of violence and breasts into the mix. I love you guys.
Anyway, erm... does anyone know where I put my beachball?


Smy or Pie?


It's a confusing world isn't it? I mean, somethings simply make no sense at all!


Why does fluff appear in your belly-button?


Where do bogeys come from?


Why is Justin Lee Collins famous?


We will never know the answers to those questions but for those of you who occasionally get all confuzzled between wether something is a pie or if it's me, i've compiled a handy guide:



Does the thing you're looking at have a layer of crust?


Does the thing you're looking at have a little hole at the top to let out steamy substances?


Is the thing you're looking at full of lovely chunks of goodness?


Would the thing you're looking at look delicious next to some chips?


Does the thing you're looking at have potential to create its own gravy?


Would you like to stuff the thing you're looking at in your mouth?


If left on a windowsill, would this thing be stolen by a cheeky scamp?



If you answered YES then you're looking at a PIE!


Does the thing you're looking at have a layer of crust?

Does the thing you're looking at have a little hole at the top to let out steamy substances?

Is the thing you're looking at full of lovely chunks of goodness?

Would the thing you're looking at look delicious next to some chips?

Does the thing you're looking at have potential to create its own gravy?

Would you like to stuff the thing you're looking at in your mouth?

If left on a windowsill, would this thing be stolen by a cheeky scamp?



If you answered YES then you're looking at SMY!


I'm glad we got this cleared up. I really am.


If the thing you're looking at is divisable by 3.14, then it's probably Pi. Ahem.


Thursday 5 April 2007

Easter Bunnies!


It's incredibly important to realise that the Easter Bunny is not quite as nice as he first appears.


Four years ago, I lent him a tenner which he said he was going to use to cure terminal diseases but moments later, i saw him entering Ladbroke's Betting Shop looking decidedly shifty.


I never got the money back either.


Here are ten other incredibly delicious things you did not know about this wretched creature:


1. He's immortal. Now, think about this. Only Gods and Demons and Elizabeth Taylor are immortal. He's not a God and I have never seen him entertaining Michael Jackson so.....


2. The eggs he places often contain nuts. He knows full well that many people have nut allergies and giggles with glee from behind the bushes if he sees someone having a seizure.


3. He is a shape-shifter. Initially he came to Earth in the shape of a Giant-Slor, then a Marshmallow Man and then as an Easter Crocodile before settling on the "bunny" look.


4. He doesn't lay the eggs himself. He has a battery farm in which chocolate chickens are kept in the worst possible conditions and threatened with a three-bar fire if they stop laying.


5. He's allergic to crumpets.


6. The Easter gig wasn't his first choice. He used to play bass for the Rolling Stones in the 6th and 7th centuries. He feels they've "sold out" in the last 400 years though and now prefers S-Club 7.


7. After leaving the trails of eggs, he sometimes leaves a surprise dog-turd in your sock drawer just for kicks.


8. No one has ever caught the bunny while he lays his egg trails. This is because he has a cloak of invisibility which he obtained in a card game with some elves.


9. He bites. Lots.


10. There is no Mrs Easter Bunny. She was killed in a horrific motoring accident while picking up some additional eggs for her husband from the local supermarket. He doesn't like to talk about it.

Monday 2 April 2007

April


Goodness! It's April already? Is it? Wait, it flippin IS!!


Now, as we all know, April is associated with spring and also showers.


Having done an in-depth search of the darkest corners of the internet using the key-word "showers", I have found some very exciting facts which I feel MUST be shared immediately!


There are many types of shower. The most exciting ones are as follows:


April Showers - a series of rainy days throughout the 4th month of the year.


Wedding Showers - a complicated ritual to signify the matrimony of two people which requires the use of a loofah and some confetti.


Golden Showers - Something to do with Germany. I couldn't find more info on this but I'm assuming Bill Gates probably has at least 4 golden showers in his house. I'd love to see them.


Baby Showers - Old Testament punishment. Came right between the plague of locusts and the rain of frogs thingy. Very messy and keeps you awake at night.


Shower Gel - a substance produced by Kevin Spacey's character in the opening scene of American Beauty.


Meteor Showers - The only kind of shower hard enough to get Jack Bauer completely clean. Also known as The Jack Bauer Power Shower Hour.