Fudge!

Since Cadbury refuse to answer my previous email, I decided to try a different approach.

Below is a copy of my recent suggestions to them:

Dear Chocolate People.

While shopping in my local supermarket I witnessed a scene in which a small boy was squealing loudly and causing his poor mother to be rather red-faced and upset.

Obviously I held back my own tears upon seeing this display of un-British behaviour but during the child's outburst, the mother offered to placate the child with a Cadbury's Fudge confection.
The toddler momentarily stopped his high-pitched wailing but shortly after began anew...with more vigour.

I bring this to your attention as it would appear that in today's 21st century lifestyle of Sony Playmate Stations and Ipogs that your advertising slogan "Just enough to give your kids a treat" may be a little out of date.

In light of this, I have come up with a few alternatives which may be more accurate:

"Fudge - Better than being attacked by weasels"

"Fudge - Perhaps not quite enough, but almost enough to give your kids a treat...maybe"

"Fudge - It's also covered in chocolate"

Or, if attempting to corner the homosexual market, perhaps -

"Cadbury - proudly fudge-packing since the 1900s"

I'd be grateful for your comments and, should you choose to use any of the above, i would only expect a 15% commission.


I expect an answer shortly....


Update!!

Thanks for your email Smy.

Many new advertising ideas and concepts are sent to us by our consumers andeach one is reviewed carefully by Marketing Managers.

Your slogans are thought to possess some of the qualities we would demand of ourAdvertising, but we regret that we will not be able to use your slogans on this occasion. Thank you for taking the time and trouble to assemble your ideas and emailing us for consideration.

Regards

Sarah Welch
Customer Relations

Jelly...

So, what I REALLY want to know is what's the deal with jelly moulds?

When I was just a little dolphin, my mummy would make strawberry jelly in a mould shaped like a rabbit. What WAS that about? Was this some sort of conditioning to make me think that all rabbits tasted of fruity wobbly gloop?

A little research has resulted in the fact that that there are hundreds of different types of mould available. You can get them to look like Buddha, a favourite pet or a teddy bear but none of them will EVER be as cool as the rabbit one.

If i was a rabbit, I'd eat myself.

Smylexx and the Chocolate Factory

In an effort to bring the most important news directly to your eyeballs, I have been in contact with famous UK chocolate experts "Cadbury" in order to get to the real scoop on their famous Creme Eggs.

Below is a copy of the original email which i expect a response to any second now...

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Hello chocolate people,

With Spring fast approaching and the Creme Egg becoming more popular than ever, i have a few questions about this incredible product:

1. Could you confirm if the hens required to lay the eggs are Battery or Free-Range?

2. What are the chances of Mr Cadbury's Parrot being infected with Avian Flu?

3. Has Cadbury ever considered alternative "creme" products for strict vegans - a Creme Turnip, perhaps?

4. How many Creme Eggs would you require to make the perfect omelet?

5. Are the eggs layed with the foil wrap on, cos that would hurt, or is it added later, perhaps by a big machine with gears and levers and steam and rubber gloves on the end of shiny silver rods?

Thank you for your time,

Smylexx the Dolphin.

P.S. - The last time I queried something (about 4 years ago), my response came from someone named "Charlie". Can you confirm if all workers in the chocolate factory are called Charlie or was this, in fact;

a coincidence

a result of sneaky recruitment regulations

some sort of freaky cloning experiment in which DNA from the original Charlie is taken then used to create an army of workers

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I will update this post the very moment the lovely Oompa Lumpahs get back to me!

Valentines Day!!

It's Valentines Day and as I happen to be a dolphin, I expect to get lots and lots of cards and free stuff. Everyone loves dolphins. Well, everyone except John West and his flippin' tuna nets.

I'd prefer to get e-cards or maybe a nice fruit basket to actual cards though. I can't hold them very well and the ink runs when they get wet.

Some other animals, of course, don't get cards and nice chocolatey thingys. No one EVER remembers to offer hugs to Great White Sharks or Praying Mantis. So if you see a slimy creature, why not offer to go to dinner together? Perhaps a walk along the beach with a slug might not be so bad...

Chat Rooms

For those of you unfamiliar with the world of internet chatrooms and regularly used internet-speak, I thought it was my duty to ensure all of the Fishtank's readers are able to stride purposely (porpoisely) into ANY chatroom without fear, safe in the knowledge that their lingo would be "cool" and you would not be regarded as a "noob"*

The following is a list of popular chat buzz terms and definitions -

brb - Beating Rabbits Briefly - often used just before the person leaves the chat-room for a short period.

lol - Letting Off Loudly - used VERY often by people who, I assume are extremely flatulent.

omg - Ohno! More Gnomes! - used by people who seem extremely surprised. Since the most surprising thing to happen would be a team of gn*mes invading your house (probably holding various tools and clamps and pancake syrup), this HAS to be the right meaning.

pmsl - Poke My Smylexx Lots - only seems to be used when I'm in the room. Though since I'm not in the other rooms, I can't be sure.

afk - Another Flippin' Kangaroo! - used just before the person leaves the room for a short span to eradicate a large pouchy mammal from their kitchen or underwear drawers.

fyi - Feel Your Innards - used just after saying something dead clever. Probably to ensure the person hasn't exploded from using up their daily allowance of IQ points.

np - Not Purple - used by people to express there un-purpleness to the rest of the room.

ttfn - Touching Time For Norbert - used just before the person leaves the room to fondle a friend named Norbert.

ROTFLMFAO - Recently Ordered The Fried Lobster Made Flippantly And Overcooked - thankfully not used often.

*noob is a small crustacean with sharp mandibles and an ability to play the kazoo.

Interview with the Smypire!

Even though my human captors are usually very nice to me, cleaning my tank, bringing me fresh beach balls when i pop them from getting too excited, wiping the keyboard of my Dolphin-O-Type 2000 if I spill stuff on it, they can occasionally be a little dull.

They talk endlessly to one another about the weather, world leaders and the price of vegetables. None of which appeal to me. So in an effort to get some seriously interesting conversation, I decided to talk to my food... erm... i mean "friends", a fellow fish. Turns out his name is Brian.

Me: Hi there! How pleasant to talk to you!

Brian: Eeeeeeeek! Y-y-y-y-you're going to eat me, aren't you?

Me: Ha ha.. of course not. I just thought we should get to know one another, since we share the same pool.

Brian: You ate my friend, Colin 20 minutes ago.

Me: That's different. Colin was a salmon. Salmon taste amazing! Especially with a nice side-salad and some boiled potatoes. So anyway, what brings you here?

Brian: What BRINGS me here? One minute I'm happily swimming along, minding my own business then I'm suddenly grabbed in a giant net, transported uncomfortably in a bucket with the word "FOOD" written on it and dumped in here.

Me: Yeah, that's a real bummer, so erm.. Any hobbies? Do you like watching films?

Brian: I don't see the point. My memory is about 26 minutes long. I always find myself wondering "Is he the good guy or the bad guy? And where did he get that sandwich?"

Me: So err.. where did you decide to make a home here in the pool?

Brian: Colin and myself had found a fabulous little hidey-hole just beside the fake plastic treasure chest. We'd just started decorating. Colin was on his way to get supplies when you ate him.

Me: Umm... are you a salmon?

Brian: As a matter of fact I am...erm... wait a second... err...

The interview ended at this point as Brian had to leave omm..for an appointment or something.

February!!!

Yes! It's the first of a whole new month! Officially, the month is so new that it still has it's price tag on it and is still wrapped in cling-film!

February is also the shortest month of the year and so, in honour of this, I decided to take a break from intimidating the smaller fish that hang out in the shallow end of my pool and put together a lovely list of things which are incredibly short!

1. Tom Cruise! Not only is he The World's Most Famous Celebrity but he is also the shortest!! At night the totally NOT gay actor sleeps in Katie Holmes' sock drawer and has to use a reel of cotton to shimmy down to the floor each morning. His voice is naturally too high for humans to hear and has to be deepened via the use of high-tech computer technology in order for his co-stars to communicate with him.

2. Homer Simpson's temper. While generally placid, Homer can go from 0-150 in just 24 frames. Never touch his last doughnut or mention that Marge's sisters are staying over for a few months.

3. Smurfs. Although incredibly popular and loved in the 1980s, these creatures were, in fact, originally cast out of a demonic plane of existence for being simply TOO evil! Sure, they may look cute in their little hats but they only wear them to hide their satanic little horns. They also sweat poison. Avoid.

4. The time you have between hearing a loved-one in a nearby room and covering yourself up when fondling yourself.

5. This list.