Wednesday 31 January 2007

Badgers Vs Hedgehogs


When it comes to Mammals, we at the Fishtank know how hard it is to choose the perfect type to match your lifestyle. Sure, many of them fall into your price bracket but just how do they handle?


We put two of the more popular models through their paces in our head-to-head battle to see if we can find...the ULTIMATE woodland mammal!




The first thing you notice when you first get into the driving seat is just how uncomfortable it is. Spikey seat, spikey, footwell, spikey controls. Everything just feels incredibly painful. However, after just a few miles, you soon realise that this little 'hog has quite a bit of "grunt".


Taking a casual meander through the sun-drenched woodland, you find yourself feeling as if you haven't a care in the world as the 'hogs tiny feet scamper happily over dense shrubbery, large puddles and even slippery wet leaves with ease. Indeed, the feeling of safety increases furthermore as the famous curl-up-in-a-ball-and-squeak button is pressed.


For the next 28 feet, we simply "rolled", picking up a little speed but in a comfort zone uninterrupted by the pointy teeth of angry weasels or slightly-miffed otters.


overall:


Engine: Spiketech 190


Power: fast acceleration but lacking high-end speed


Fuel: worms and milk left out by little old ladies


Traction: 4x4 scamper-grip-claws


Appearance: You either love 'em or hate 'em


Additional features: Curl-Up Safety and the ability to hold over 78 bits of cheese and pineapple chunks


Badger:


A different type of beast altogether. With its go-faster stripes and luxurious plush shag-pile comfort, you can sense the quality within minutes of inserting the key.


After the usual 32 seconds of snuffling, we set off at a brisk pace easily passing obstacles even the spikey Hedgehog couldn't master. Zipping left and right between moss-covered rocks and casually skipping through pools of dank, oily water of up to 43 cm, nothing appeared to slow us down.


Unfortunately, it's not all good news. The baggage space is sadly nowhere near as grand as with The Hog, safety seems to be low on the Badger's list of priorities and, most unsettling, for over 78% of your journeys, you will be pursued by Bill Oddie.


overall:


Engine: Snuffleruffle 98


Power: Speedy stripes and boundless energy


Fuel: Slugs and stuff that Bill Oddie leaves out


Traction: 4x4 but sometimes this feels slightly uncontrollable


Appearance: Manages to divide people between saying "Awwwww" and "Ooooh"


Additional Features: Excellent at night but gets slightly erratic around BBC camera-crewmen.


The Verdict!


Despite the improvements in Hedgehog technology over the last few years, the distinct lack in top-end power and an inability to provide a rather lovely snuffling noise put the little piggy in 2nd place. The Badger wins by a cute little nose.











Saturday 27 January 2007

Wine




10 things you didn't know about wine.


1. Wine was invented in 1971 by actor Oliver Reed when he accidentally got a paper-cut and sucked the wound. The splurty red liquid (often called "claret") was quickly bottled!


2. Wine comes in Red, White (and green) varieties but you can also get it in "puce" "taupe" and "aquamarine" if you go to any interior decorator's house.


3. Although wine often accompanies a nice meal, the best thing to serve with wine is MORE wine.


4. Angry weasels can be repelled by throwing balloons filled with wine at their eyeballs.


5. The corks in wine bottles are individually inserted by otters in underground factories in Dubai.


6. Wine is actually pronounced "Weeeeeeeeeeeyiiiiiiiiinuhhhh".


7. A scene in the wine film Sideways in which Miles and Jack wake up in a parallel universe and battle psychotic robot chicken zombies was sadly cut and is now only available on the special edition Director's Cut.


8. A goldfish can survive for up to 7 days in a bottle of wine. On the 8th day, fishy will expect you to sleep with him and buy him dinner.


9. Wine should NEVER be mixed with custard. Ever. Stop it. Stop even thinking about it.


10. Smelling the "bouquet" of the wine before tasting it comes from the fact that in ancient times (pre 1981), people often laced their wine with traces of koala urine.



These facts are all 100% true.

Thursday 25 January 2007

Ka-Plow!!!


So anyway, If I could hold a sword and didn't have to spend my day leaping through hoops or smiling sweetly or making klikkety-klik noises upon request, i'd most want to be a Samurai!
There is nothing more sexy than swearing in Japanese, sporting sideburns and a top-knot haircut and slicing up slimy Yakuzas in ancient feudal towns.
I even like Saki and I've seen over 8 Kurosawa movies so it would appear I'm probably almost qualified too!!
If there's anyone out there that would like to hire me, then by all means let me know. I'll be over here in the deep end next to the plastic castle.

Monday 22 January 2007

I'd Like to Thank the Academy...

For those people who regularly subscribe to Movie Magazines (or if you're a filthy, dirty, grog-swilling pirate), It cannot have escaped your attention that the Award Ceremonies are not too far away!!

Those "Sample Screener" copies that fill the torrent sites and the look of dribbly excitement on the faces of pale nerdy types around the country confirm it to be true!

Everyone knows that the Oscars are usually pretty rubbishy and, let's face it, we only watch it for Billy Crystal and the Roll-Call tribute to the celebs that passed-away in the last 12 months "ooOOOh i thought he/she/it died aaaages ago..." etc.

The REAL party begins on February 24th, the day BEFORE the Oscars, at The Golden Raspberries!! Get your front row seat booked now..I'll fetch the rotten fruit!

Saturday 20 January 2007

Solid Cake!


So anyway, If I was a video game character, i would NOT choose Solid Snake or someone rather hard-as-nails from Tekken or Streetfighter. Nor would i be a poncy, long haired girly-boy from Final Fantasy! No sirree bob... I would be Parappa the Rappa.

Didn't anyone else have sorta "bad" feelings towards his girlfriend, the sunflower? She WAS sorta erm.... errr... "hot", right?

Friday 19 January 2007

Sex-Box 360

Sometimes, when I'm not too busy showing my human captors how to program their VCRs, I like to indulge in hot geeky gaming action.

Luckily, since the advent of wireless remotes and stuff, I can now hold a control pad relatively easily in my flippers from the comfort of the shallow-end of my pool.

Unfortunately the month of January is decidedly poo when it comes to game releases and February, like a whore, is flaunting its offers yet is unattainable.

In light of this travesty of events, I have decided that instead of playing older-games (ewwww), I will:

Learn to identify at least 12 stars by their names

Perfect my James Stewart impression

Polish my Star Wars replica Lightsaber until it gleams

Try NOT to insult the French for the next 19 days

Finish my guide to "building the perfect Murloc trap". This should be available in all good book shops and probably quite a few nasty ones by next November.

Anyhoo...


When not simply looking dazzling as i glide effortlessly through the water or majestically leaping through my hoop, I also quite enjoy writing and sketching.


There are other things I enjoy equally as much but let's talk about those later, OK?


Anyhoo, as a side-project, I'm currently putting together a children's book which is going just swimmingly! However, the "hero" character is currently called Baby-Bear. I so wish for this little creature to have a name. At the moment, his unnamed status puts him in the same realm as those blokeys that Beam Down with James T Kirk and Scotty wearing those highly-easy-to-target Red Jumpers. You know the ones; they usually go left when Kirk goes right and get suddenly eaten by a giant space tortoise.


I'd hate for Baby-Bear to EVER be eaten by a giant space tortoise so any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Welcome to the Fishtank

Good day to YOU!

I'm Smy, a delicious dolphin from England.

About 6 years ago I was happily swimming along doing what dolphins do; talking about throw-pillows, learning a foreign language and compiling a list of possible ingredients that make up the Colonel's Special Coating at KFC outlets when I was abducted by human types with nasty nets and rather untidy facial hair.

Days later I was transported to the Government Research Facility For Smart-Arsed Fish (Leeds Division) where I was provided with a nice pool (heated), a plastic faux-castle which i call "home" and some nice toys including a plastic hoop (for leaping through) and a beach ball (which makes me so happy that I actually drool when i see it).

They also gave me the Dolphin-O-Type 2000 which allows me the opportunity to type (using a stick thingy attached to my beak).

My human captors occasionally drop in some fish for me and the nicer ones usually stroke my flippers while chatting to me about the daily news.

Let's get to know each other. I promise i don't bite.. often.