Blobfish

In today's world it's all rush, rush, rush isn't it? Sometimes even the prettiest dolphins such as myself never get time to really look our best before being put in front of a crowd of nerdy scientists and ordered to leap though a hoop, ring a bell or balance a beach ball perfectly on our delightful beaks.

However, spare a thought for the blobfish. No amount of Maybelene is EVER gonna help him get a date.

Since he is often mistaken for a stale blancmange, the blobfish always try their best to avoid being found in kitchens and the supermarket dessert section. Never mistake the blobfish with the Dumbo Octopus though. They're entirely different and can be found in the next Mathmos Lava Lamp catalogue.

Both of them taste vaguely of lemon sorbet.

Bioshock

After my human captors have stopped poking me or asking me to point to the card with the picture of the fishy on and gone home for the day, I like to play the occasional videogame.

Although most game controllers don't fit well in my flippers, i struggle on and often get scores of 3 or 4 points..sometimes more! I happen to be very good at Track'N'Field though as i get Geoffrey the goldfish to hit the 'Jump' button for me at exactly the right time.

While playing Bioshock late into the evening, it occurred to me that those slinky marketing types have missed a fantastic otter-tunity and so i decided to drop them an email...

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Dear Take 2 people.

I love the idea that more and more game developers are taking the extra time to offer the game buying public deliciously exciting 'Collectors Editions'.

Bioshock, as I'm sure you're aware, comes in a variety of flavours including a metal tin with a Big-Daddy statuette inside.

Although i was initially upset to find that it wasn't 70's wrestler Shirley Crabtree (aka Big Daddy), i soon pulled myself together and stopped crying.

Would it be possible to offer the public something that would be more useful than a statuette of a fat bloke in a diving suit? Something much more important?

While playing Bioshock yesterday, it occurred to me that i had to stop playing every 28 seconds to ensure i hadn't wet myself in fear therefore i would like to suggest the following exclusive pack idea:

Bioshock in a large waterproof tin including the following items -

-One adult sized nappy

-One spare set of brown trousers (elasticated waist to ensure one size fits all)

-A Teddy Bear with a friendly smile(probably named Colin or Nigel)

-A blanket (to hide under) with a nice picture of Paddington Bear on the front.

-Periscope - to search for monsters with while safely under the blanket.

-A Care Bear/My Little Pony DVD for settling the nerves afterwards.

I'm pretty sure this would be a huge success and i for one would probably order 2 copies.

Regards

Smylexx the Dolphin

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**BIG SHINY UPDATE**

On the 9th day of our lord's September, Take Two Interactive sent me a quick reponse!

It reads as follows:

Response (Gary Webber)	09/09/2007 12.26 PM
Hi Smy. Thanks for the suggestions, I'll pass this on to the relevant people. Incidently, thanks for providing some much needed humour.

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Does this mean that they aren't taking my requests seriously?

Windmills

According to the slightly camp song, Money Makes the World Go 'Round. This statement is, of course, complete rubbish and also piffle!

From just a few minutes of flippering away on my Dolphin-O-Type 2000, i can confirm that the reason for the Earth's spinnyness is all down to windmills.

'Oh but Smy, you naughty (but ever so sexual) fish-like beasty, windmills are simply dotted around to make grain and suchlike'.

No, no, no! My research was in-depth and faultless. I must have typed for almost 72 seconds before i was satisfied with the results! Windmills are lined-up precisely for maximum wind-propulsion power, linked to a series of undergound pulleys and levers and operated by registered Earth Spinny Supervisors.

Hundreds of years ago, when the Earth was just a little baby planet inhabited only by prehistoric otters and slimy lizardy things, the windmills were simpler in design and operated by tyrannosaurus-rex who had specially evolved feeble hands and silly little arms to hold the gear-sticks with.

The prehistoric otters had better things to do, obviously.

Over the years, the windmills have become more sophisticated and super-sleek and funky and are now, more often than not, powered by nuclear-weasels. Small mammals trained by scientists to push the buttons at the right moment in exchange for a small fish.

I envy those weasels.

Pot Noodles

Since 1979, the mighty Pot Noodle has been a requisite in every student's dorm. This fascinating snack's appeal has not wavered over the years despite tasting like mouldy textbooks and a lack of fish flavoured varieties.

The Chicken and Mushroom version appears to be the most popular but since it launched, many alternatives were less successful.

The Otter and Crab stick flavour launched briefly in 1983 (after the great otter uprising of 1982) but were pulled from shelves a mere three months later for 'containing fur which might constitute a choking hazard'.

The Essex Special was also removed from supermarkets as the hoopy earrings and 'extra added bling' coupled with the Burberry packaging was deemed tasteless in every other part of the UK.

The Pot Noodle continued its success around the world with specialty varieties introduced to match the tastes of the local population. In Austria, the Pot Strudel was a big success and, in Korea, the Pot Poodle was received warmly and was also the first snack that would 'roll over', 'beg' and 'sit' on demand.

The company did have a brief shock in 1992 when it was discovered that one of its varieties contained actual beneficial properties and was a valuable source of protein and nutrients. The offending snacks were recalled immediately, the nice bits were removed and a lump of pure Kryptonite was added to the recipe to ensure they tasted awful once more.

Despite being totally inedible, the Pot Noodle is not without uses. The container can be used as a makeshift party hat, a small house for a family of grasshoppers and as a receptacle to keep Gran's teeth in at night.

Three cheers for La Noodle De La Pot!

The Church of Smyontology

Let us spray...

Oh Smylexx, who art in water
Smylexx be thy name
Smy will be fun
In puddles and in fish tanks
Give him this day his daily fish
lead us not into temptation
to eateth John West tuna
for brine is his kingdom for ever and ever

amen.

Let's face it, I'd be an ACE god. I'd issue all my followers (di-smy-ples) with a fantastic alternative to the Bible - a 'Smyble' which would not only be dead interesting, contain thousands of otter related factoids and be completely water-resistant, but it would also have bits to colour in and a crossword at the back (5 across: four letters, tastes nice, rhymes with 'dish').

And unlike similar religions or c*lts, i wouldn't threaten you if you tried to leave. I'd simply follow you around for about three months, poking you with a spoon every two minutes while asking you why you left until you realised your mistake.

I'm pretty sure that I'd look fantastic in a robe with some nice tassels on the front and the lucky chosen few in my congregation each week would get to ring my bell and gaze upon The Mysterious Pebble for up to thirty seconds.

My commandments would be dead fab too!

Thou shalt not eat the fishy that Smy wants

Thou shalt not touch the fishy that Smy wants

Thou shall always offer Smy a fish finger before having one yourself

Now, does anyone know anything about how to achieve deity status? I think it has something to do with being a carpenter or something. Does that mean that Harrison Ford is a god too?

Kangaroos

Oh you silly things! Kangaroos are NOT just big fat mouses (meece? mooces? mousii?), they are, in fact, a completely different species altogether!

This may come as a shock to you, as it did to me, but it's completely and utterly-butterly true!

The main differences between a kangaroo and a mouse is that you can never catch one in a mouse trap, they dislike cheese (they prefer pickled onions and marmalade) and they have a pouchy pockety thing on their tum-tums.

Scientists and philosophers have, for centuries, wondered what is kept inside the pouches of the kangaroo. Now, for the first time in history, i can reveal that the contents are as follows:

1 x plastic hairclip - you never know when you're going to need to look stylish at a moments notice and so a glittery plastic hairclip is essential when meeting new marsupials at the water cooler.
1 x Darth Vader lunchbox - keeping an apple, a bourbon cream (with the regulation 10 holes-not those cheap ones), and a marmalade sandwich cool when hopping around the Outback would be impossible without a blue plastic lunchbox with a picture of every one's favourite Sith Lord on the front.

2 x marker pens (blue and red) - only weirdos use green ones.

1 x pad of Post-It notes - to ensure other giant mouse-like beasts remember to attend your meeting about littering, quarterly sales figures or hopping-comparison charts.

1 x packet of McCoys Ready Salted Crisps - ridged for her pleasure.

1 x purse/wallet - for storing loose change, not so loose change, incredibly unloose change, two stamps and a small, undisclosed amount of blue fluff.

With the above knowledge embedded in our brains, we can all feel a small step closer to our antipodean, springy chums and, just maybe, learn a little about ourselves too.... erm.... err.... or something...

Kinder Surprise!

Contrary to popular belief, dolphins do NOT lay eggs (nor do we mate via osmosis or design tiny otter sanctuaries in our spare time). It's a myth!

But the one egg we do find fascinating is the Kinder Surprise egg. Not because the egg itself is exciting but simply because it's possibly the least surprising thing on the planet and demands a name change at once.

When you open a Kinder egg, there's a high probability of finding a small capsule inside which contains one of the following:

- a small plastic car which needs to be assembled with tweezers or the tiny hands of a 3 year old girl. Inevitably, the car will always have one wheel which sticks and refuses to turn therefore making the car useless.

-a small plastic crocodile/hippo/animal of the month which will be amusing for 12 seconds and, according to Kinder, will be 'a collector's item'. Frankly, the kind of people that collect plastic hippos are probably not the type of person you want to have at your dinner party, right?

- a 'working' compass (plastic). Unfortunately the sticker will have been badly placed in the Kinder factory and so the needle always points to the word 'East' (held up by a hippo/crocodile/animal of the month).

In order for Kinder to actually be 'Surprising', i would like them to consider putting the following alternative things inside their eggy-wegs.

-a diamond encrusted Fabergé egg with a RRP of around £450,000.

-a cure for all known diseases written on parchment with a picture of a hippo/crocodile/animal of the month at the bottom.

-a portal to a different universe. One where otters are plentiful and will lap dance for a penny preferably.

-another Kinder Surprise...a solid one with extra creamy chocolate containing over 12,000 calories per bite.

-an apology written by the managing director for all those rubbish plastic toys he's inflicted upon the world over the last 25 years.

Go on Kinder, Surprise me!

Klikkity Skreee Klikkity klik!

Well, I'm sure since you're visiting the blog of a rather sexual dolphin, that you're interested in all things cetacean-related, right?

On the BBC website today it was announced that the Yangtze River Dolphin is now semi o-fish-ally extinct.

This is terrible news as at least three Yangtze River Dolphins owe me money from a bet we placed as to whether Graham Norton was gay or not back in 2003.

The Latin name for the Yangtze Dolphywoos is Lipotes Vexillifer which sounds like something Harry Otter would say before stroking his wand. The literal translation means 'Squeaky, Lovable Fishy Beastys'.

The Yangtze dolphins should never be confused with the Yahtzee Dolphins who spend all their time throwing dice around in a pitiful attempt to score a winning hand...err... winning flipper while wearing jumpers, being incredibly middle-class and squeaking 'Yahtzeeeeeh!!!' at the top of their klikky voices every so often.

Those dolphins suck.

Let's all spare a thought for the Yangtze Dolphins today before we tuck into our Tuna and Mayo Baguette.

World of Flippin' Warcraft-The Movie!

Since we're on the subject of movies (we were, we really were), it's been announced that spectacular online video game,World of Warcraft, is to be turned into a major film franchise!

This will follow the other successful and highly acclaimed video-game to movie franchises such as:-

Resident Evil - a film full of shambling zombie creatures also known as 'the cast' who manage to terrify you totally with their unbelievably scary acting abilities.

Doom - The Rock (real name Nigel Farquar Pennyworth) as a commando who must go to hell and back to rescue his friends. Unfortunately, the audience also has to go to hell and back for 94 minutes, many of whom even paid for the experience...and yes, we CAN smell what you're cooking, Rockypoos.

Dead Or Alive - a film which has lots of semi clad ladies with very jiggly breasts. Sadly overlooked at the Oscars last year but i cant rate this film highly enough (read the previous sentence again if you need to know why).

Anyway, Warcraft... If you've ever played this game, you'll already know what to expect from the plot. If the film makers are going for accuracy, then it really should go something like this...

The credits will take 6 hours to get through as, during this time, they will be installing all the latest patches.

For the first hour, our hero will spend time killing squirrels and piglets and kobolds ('you take no candle') in order to Level Up enough so he can fight bigger monsters and start his quest. Ding!!

A group of dwarfs will walk past the hero spouting 32 different Chuck Norris jokes.

Our penniless hero will stand still for 20 minutes then will suddenly and mysteriously have 2000 gold pieces in his wallet, a sly look on his face and a slightly dented credit card.

Our hero will see an elf in distress and will rush to help. After defeating the rabid otter cub, the elf will insult the hero and complain that he 'stole his kill' for the next 27 minutes until the hero ignores him.

On the way to the evil sorcerer's castle, our hero will find himself fighting against three bears (sans porridge). After just beating them and while gasping for breath, a level 1 newbie troll will stab our hero in the foot then say 'zug zug zug' which literally translates as 'gankity gank gank gank'.

A female elf will offer to dance naked for the hero while standing on a table. Our hero will clap and then tell a joke about goblins.

The evil sorcerer unleashes his pet at our hero. Narrowly avoiding death, the hero kills the pet and loots the body to find a magical sword. Three dwarfs will complain that it was actually their sword and that the hero should give it to them anyway cos he can't equip it and anyway, they need the money more than he does and that if he doesn't give them the sword, theyre going to tell a member of Blizzard Staff about him and get his accounts closed and and and.....yada yada yada...'

Our hero will feel a gnome brush lightly past his leg during a long ship voyage and will instantly vomit 38 times in a row and then scrub his entire body with bleach until he no longer feels 'unclean'.

Our hero will finally reach the Sorcerer's tower, making his way stealthily to the highest room, he faces the sorcerer at last! He reaches for his magical weapon and....'Blizzard are currently removing this server for downtime repairs. Thank you for your patience and the £14.99 a month. We appreciate it. No really, we do. Cheers!'

The End!

We're there opening night, right?

Corrie

While tinkering away on my waterproof internet connection, i noticed that Hollywood are planning on making a 60's Star Trek movie with an all new shiny cast and sexy special effects!

Apparently the requirement of Scotty is for an actor that can do a 'flawless Scottish accent'... wouldn't this break continuity? I mean, he never had one before, right?

Anyway, since the Movie Business seems preoccupied in making 60's and 70's big-screen events, it's only a matter of time before long running UK soap opera Coronation Street gets the Hollywood treatment.

The pitch, in my opinion, would be something like this....

Voice Over -'In a land that time forgot, a man must stand alone if he is to break out of....The Street!'

Top business man Mike Baldwin (Al Pacino) has moved into the street. His power and natural animal magnetism has ensured that Diedre (Julia Roberts) has been swept away in a tornado of passion. Ken Barlow (Robert Redford), Diedre's husband must fight to win his true love's heart back and put an end to Mike's underhand business tactics.

Meanwhile Jack Duckworth (Kevin Spacey) and his glamourous wife Vera (Jessica Alba) have taken ownership of the local bar. The residents of the street spearheaded by Fred Elliot (Steven Seagal), Norris Cole (Danny DeVito) and Betty Turpin (J-Lo) attempt to stop Jack and Vera from installing a jukebox and disrupting the peace.

Trouble ensues when mysterious stranger, Derek Wilton (Gary Coleman) enters the bar and reveals the secret of 'Betty's Hotpot'.

Directed by David Fincher.

Robots

If we've learned anything from watching sci-fi movies over the years, it's that in the future, we will all have robots and that these robots will, with no uncertainty, be gay.

Take a long hard think about any robots you have seen in films and you will notice that in every single case, the little metal helper will be camper than a row of pink tents.

Not that I'm homo-robo-phobic you understand, I'm simply stating the fact that if two of these robots were left together in a room with a bottle of WD40, the chances are that they'd end up indulging in some hot metal-on-metal action then redecorate the room with throw-pillows and pretty matching curtains.

Personally, I'd love a gay robot. I imagine they'd do a fantastic job of lubing my blow-hole from time to time..... wait, I'll rephrase that... erm.... err.... OK, let's just move on.

C3-PO is undoubtedly never going to be seen drinking directly from a beer-bottle anytime soon and would probably insist on putting a coaster down before ordering a fruity cocktail in any establishment that would serve him.

If the Daleks and K-9 had arms, you could bet your stamp collection that they'd probably have a lovely pink prada handbag swinging from them as they minced into battle.

HAL from 2001 and KITT from Knight Rider were only ever a few seconds away from mentioning that their human male friends' shoes didn't really match their pants and they both reportedly used to complain often about feeling bloated or blaming Hollywood for not making more Wizard of Oz sequels.

The Smash Potato robots.... well, do i even need to try to convince you about them?

The only exception to the rule is Metal Mickey, a forgotten early 80s metal love-machine that had a thing for older women and fizzy bon-bons.

If anyone can inform me of a totally heterosexual robot, please let me know. These are the kind of things that keep me up at night!

August

Wow! It's flippin' August! That means that there's only four months for you to decide what to buy me for Christmas! I'm sure that, as you read this, you're already compiling a huge list of things I'd like and crossing off the things which you know I'd throw back at you and then hiss at you for thirty-seven minutes while splashing you with dirty pool water.

But anyway, it's August and that means FACTS!

Apparently August used to be the 6th month of the year until January and February came along and spoiled everything. March was the first month and that makes perfect sense since i was born in March and all time should really be measured in relation to how close/far we are to my birthday.

The astrological signs for August begin with Leo (named after Leonardo the teenage ninja turtle and occasional sculptor/painter/interior decorator) and Virgo (named after crappy ex-snooker player, John Virgo).

In Finland (the place where i bought my fins), the month is called elokuu which apparently means Month of Reaping. Not to be confused with a month of raping which is not advisable in any way as this often leads to severe chaffing and a court appearance.

It's also Women's Small Business Month so if you're a woman (check now, we'll wait........... ...... ........... OK, you're ready?) and you have a business (check now, we'll wait.........dum de dum.....) and that business happens to be erm...small (check now using a tape measure and a notepad..we'll wait........), then you should really be reading this while blowing out the candle atop a small bun.

This should not be confused with Small Women's Business Month which is celebrated solely by Jeanette Krankie and Smurfette (who happens to run a massage therapy treatment centre near Oslo).