Kinder Surprise!

Contrary to popular belief, dolphins do NOT lay eggs (nor do we mate via osmosis or design tiny otter sanctuaries in our spare time). It's a myth!

But the one egg we do find fascinating is the Kinder Surprise egg. Not because the egg itself is exciting but simply because it's possibly the least surprising thing on the planet and demands a name change at once.

When you open a Kinder egg, there's a high probability of finding a small capsule inside which contains one of the following:

- a small plastic car which needs to be assembled with tweezers or the tiny hands of a 3 year old girl. Inevitably, the car will always have one wheel which sticks and refuses to turn therefore making the car useless.

-a small plastic crocodile/hippo/animal of the month which will be amusing for 12 seconds and, according to Kinder, will be 'a collector's item'. Frankly, the kind of people that collect plastic hippos are probably not the type of person you want to have at your dinner party, right?

- a 'working' compass (plastic). Unfortunately the sticker will have been badly placed in the Kinder factory and so the needle always points to the word 'East' (held up by a hippo/crocodile/animal of the month).

In order for Kinder to actually be 'Surprising', i would like them to consider putting the following alternative things inside their eggy-wegs.

-a diamond encrusted Fabergé egg with a RRP of around £450,000.

-a cure for all known diseases written on parchment with a picture of a hippo/crocodile/animal of the month at the bottom.

-a portal to a different universe. One where otters are plentiful and will lap dance for a penny preferably.

-another Kinder Surprise...a solid one with extra creamy chocolate containing over 12,000 calories per bite.

-an apology written by the managing director for all those rubbish plastic toys he's inflicted upon the world over the last 25 years.

Go on Kinder, Surprise me!