Action Man!

In the 1970's -when disco ruled and Bird's Trifle was the epitome of style and sophistication, little boys played with Action Man.

No that isn't a euphemism for masturbatory pursuits, I'm talking about The Greatest Hero Of Them All (tm).

During his heyday, Action Man came in a variety of exciting flavours and despite looking decidedly camp, he was hard as nails-no really!! The range of products included the SAS Elite Soldier who came complete with pistols, grenades, piano wire and a pack-lunch.

There was also Basic Squaddie Action Man who came with a nice green sweater, a plastic beret and a guilty expression on his face from playing the Biscuit Game with his fellow bunk mates until 3 a.m.

These days, however, we are much more p.c. and therefore Action Man has had to change with the times. With this in mind, I have decided to construct some new editions to boost the flagging sales of every one's favourite neo-nazi.

We start with Iraqi Veteran Action Man who comes complete with three anti-war protesters who pelt him with soft fruit while he tries to defend himself with a copy of Michael Moore's latest book.

Touchy-Feely Action Man is a big hit with the ladies. His uniform is always neatly pressed and a touch of a button makes him burst into tears as if he's just watched a nature program with baby otters in it. By pulling his pull-string, he says one of the following phrases-

'Ooh, How much did you pay for those curtains?'

'Have you lost weight? You look Fabulous!'

'Can you direct me to the nearest animal shelter please?'

'Can't we just talk this over? Fighting is soooo aggressive!'

Guaranteed Christmas joy for any young soldier-wannabe. I'm already looking into the patent...