Of course, the only thing i ever read is OtterPedia and the back of Findus Fish Finger packets but i have it on good authority that there are books about subjects that don't include marine mammals and fish-based snacks.
According to a friend of mine, many people like to read about dwarfs and elves (but not gnomes, obviously) and these creatures usually get themselves into a spot of bother with a big dragon or a selection of trolls with dietary issues who they have to fight for a bit in order to claim the treasure which generally has a name like 'the mighty crown of Sockzillia' or 'the sacred charm-bracelet of the high-elder-queen Snifflepops'.
Unfortunately, the writing style of most fantasy authors seem to fall into two distinct categories-
Tolkien Stylee: The inability to ever get to the point. A typical sentence in a Tolkien book goes something along the lines of 'And Lo, The Hobbits began their journey and as they walked they passed a tree which made them all sigh a bit as the tree had at least twenty seven branches and on each branch, their were quite possibly over two zillion leaves which might have been really nice to eat if you were a Caterpillar or something but probably less nice if you were a wolf called colin or something and the tree was also a bit crooked-not in the way that it might sell you a dodgy Rolex, but in the way that it leaned a bit to one side...maybe at 12 degrees...possibly 13...Frodo couldn't be sure without measuring it and he had forgotten his compass and his notepad..the blue one, we mentioned it earlier..on page 184 i think..you can check....I'll wait..'
Alternatively we get Dave Eddings Stylee which is exactly the opposite of the above and amazes me that most of his books appear thicker than a post-it note. A typical passage from his work would be 'Geoff the Warrior Elf saw a demon. The demon saw Geoff. Geoff took out his sword and hit the demon with it 'til the demon died. Geoff was pleased. The demon was not pleased. Geoff went home for trifle.'
There must be some middle-ground somewhere. I'd write one myself but, well, if i did that then who would eat all these salmon?
5 comments:
Awesome! That pisstake you did on Tolkien is great. It's very much what Terry Pratchett does in his books.
I've read some fantasy novels by Robert Jordan, and he had the Tolkien syndrome too.
And verily Smy gathered his thoughts to begin typing a witty response but as his flippers poised over the keyboard, he noticed a piece of seaweed that was not there from the day before. The seaweed was browny-green but Smylexx knew that the seaweed was once probably a slightly darker shade of green but over time the seaweed had turned a bit browny which was the result of the natural aging process of seaweed that was often exposed to direct sunlight.
Smylexx wondered how many hours per day the seaweed would need to be exposed in order to turn this exact shade of brown but suddenly he was distracted....by another piece of seaweed...
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