Whale Songs

Let's get one thing absolutely straight.. Whales can NOT sing!

Oh, it might sound all enigmatic and mysterious to YOU, but to other sea-life the sound resembles the noise icelandic nutjob, Bjork, would make if she got out of bed, trod barefoot onto a three-pin plug and fell over catching her eyeball on the edge of a bookcase as she tumbled to the floor.

Whales only ever sing country and western songs and, more often than not, they forget the words so most of the songs go a bit like 'Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolee-ee-eene...i'm begging of you please dont eat mahhh spam' or 'Iiiii-eeee-iiiiiiii willlll alllllways glug juiiiiice".

It's sickening.

You never hear of dolphin songs sounding cool, do you? It's really not fair. I have a lovely singing voice. All the little fish admire it. Of course, the little fish are also slightly intimidated by me so maybe they're just being agreeable so i don't eat them.

No, it's always flippin' whales. Whenever new-age hippy parents want to give birth to their baby named Topaz, Chlamydia (lydia for short) or Leafy-Woodmouse down at the local swimming baths, it's always moody, mysterious whale songs they choose to listen to in order to drown out the noise of the Hippy Mother screaming "Gassss!! Gimme Gasssss!".

Even in films, whales get to be cool. In Star Trek IV: The Quest For More Money, it's whales they go back in time for. Of course, the fat, hairless, blubbery beast has to leave the Starship Enterprise pretty quickly before someone mistakes it for Captain Kirk...but that's another story.

Thankfully Whales are yet to appear on Pop-Idol and X-Factor...unless we count Rick Waller...which we don't, right?