Big Brother is a big pile of poo...discuss.

Whenever i come up for air or to simply show off my leaping-through-hoops ability or to press the 'feed Smy fish' button repeatedly until my human captors arrive with a nice salmon for me, i have to listen to the inane chatter from the scientists and pool cleaners and Cetacean Interior Decorator Specialists as they discuss the horror that is Big Brother.*

"Did you know Chantelle has left the house?"

"I couldn't believe it when Nick took the last apple this morning!"

"The cliche homosexual stereotype one was having a screaming, shrieking, hissy-fit this morning and it was really intense! I thought i might spill my cocoa!"

These and many other sentences are bandied about between my human, flipperless observers.

The entire concept for this 'programme' seems completely rubbish to me and so i have come up with an alternative....

Big Daddy would be a programme in which the only-slightly-dead zombiefied corpse of 'professional' wrestler, Shirley Crabtree (aka Big Daddy, aka The Blonde Adonis, aka Mr Universe) is left in the house with 12 contestants.

The usual array of 'zany'** members of the public would have to try and attempt to stay alive as long as possible as (don't call me) Shirley would attempt to use his trademark Belly Buster moves on them and then devour their brains with a straw and a spork.

Anyone surviving longer than 12 minutes would be awarded the opportunity to allow another dead UK wrestler to come to their aid and fight Shirley off for a bit.

Davina and the crowds would chant 'Easy!! Easy!!' until eventually Big Daddy is left alone in the house surrounded by twitching corpses and a blunted spork.

Who wouldn't watch THAT?

*longest sentence ever.

** See also 'irritating' and 'ridiculous' and 'wastes of space'.