A Bedtime Story

Once upon a time there were three bears.

Mummy Bear, Daddy Bear and Baby Bear.

On a particularly breezy Autumn morning, the bears decided to make porridge for breakfast. They'd run out of Coco-Pops and refused point blank to eat anything called a Pop-Tart for fear that were might be munching on Britney Spears (the bears were vegetarians, you see).

Anyway, the bears made a fresh batch of porridge and decided to take a stroll in the forest while it cooled. Why the bears simply didn't cook the porridge to the required temperature to begin with instead of all this faffing-around is any one's guess.

Daddy Bear took this opportunity to collect his copy of Bare-Bears magazine from his local "speciality" shop.

While the bears were out doing whatever it is bears do in the woods, a small blonde haired girl, possibly Norwegian, came scampering up to the bears front door. She knocked on the door and waited. No sounds came from within except the delightful melodies of Mr Neil Diamond playing gently from the radio. As the girl was a little bit chavvy and already had three ASBOs against her, she decided to simply walk in to the house.

She noticed the living room was set out with three chairs and decided to test them out. The first chair, Daddy Bear's chair was hard. This was because Daddy Bear has posture problems and had to buy a special chair to ease his chronic back pains. .This had once cost him a job and also led to an amusing incident at a local swimming pool... but that's an entirely different story.

The blonde girl tried out Mummy Bear's chair next. It was soft and squishy. A bit like the melons they don't want you to see at the Supermarket or the texture of a fresh turd that you discover accidentally while barefoot around the house days after purchasing a puppy.

The third chair belonged to baby bear and apparently was "just right".

Having had a good old nosey through Daddy Bears vinyl collection, the blonde tart decided to investigate the sweet smell coming from the dining room. There she saw three bowls of porridge and, once again, decided she MUST try them all.

The first one belonged to Daddy bear and was incredibly salty. Daddy Bear liked salty things and he would even add salt to jelly. Mummy Bear suspected Daddy Bear of having a medical condition but didn't like to mention it as Daddy Bear was a bit violent especially when he had a sore head.

The second bowl was Mummy Bears but this one was, as the Americans say, "Todally Gross Mahhhn" or something. Anyway, it was full of sugar and tasted like the underside of a school desk.

The third bowl, Baby Bear's bowl was, according to the blonde girl, just right.

After her porridge, it was time for a nap. She whisked herself upstairs to the bedroom and was not even slightly concerned that the bears had all their beds in one room. The first bed was Daddy Bears (can we see a pattern forming here?) Once again, due to the back pain thing, the bed was dead hard...like a fossilized Mike Tyson. THAT hard!

Mummy bears was too soft. It was like sleeping in a giant marshmallow which from all accounts from friends, colleagues and the members of my local chess club, is nowhere near as much fun as it sounds.

Baby Bears was just right..yada yada yada...

The bears arrived home. It was 9.25 and just time to switch on to the Jeremy Kyle show but the bears noticed something which made them completely forget about their daily intake of underclass-teevee. The chairs had been moved and porridge had been consumed!! Mummy Bear had OCD and would've probably noticed if a mouse had farted in her pristine kitchen. She was distraught.

Daddy Bear rushed around the house and eventually came across the sleeping blonde chavette. She squealed and jumped out of the window.

Daddy Bear called for the Badger Police who, after a few weeks of general snuffling, found the blonde girl and gave her 18 months for Breaking and Entering, Criminal Damage and the Eating of Another Bear's Porridge.

The bears were free to return to a life of normalcy but who can truly forget the events of a break-in? Mummy Bear felt violated and asked for the locks to be changed every three months. Daddy Bear felt like a failure; he had not done his duty as a father and protected his "castle". He turned to alcohol and soft drugs.

Baby bear had bed-wetting issues until the age of 23 and a reoccurring dream involving otters plagued him on a weekly basis...but this was unrelated.

The End.