Would you like Smys with that?

When it comes to Fast-Food, I only really count those little darting minnows and the occasional speedy salmon* but I'm well aware that outside my pool there is a whole cornucopia of choice that awaits you in the form of pre-cooked, plastic packaged meals.

The whole idea of these places makes me squeak with unpleasant upsetness and so in order to make the visit to such establishments more pleasurable, I have come up with a helpful set of tips:

1. Ask for a Mc Meal without the fries and drink.

2. Use the staff-members name repeatedly throughout the transaction to the point of weirdy-stalky behaviour

3. Point at the hamburgers. When the staff member says "you want the burger?", burst into tears and ask them never to use that word again.

4. Ask if you can get the double-cheeseburger without double cheese.

5. Bring your own frozen burger from home and ask them if they'd mind popping it on the grill for a bit. Then complain that it's taking too long.

6. Spend ages deciding what you want, casually asking poncy questions such as "would you recommend a red or white wine with that?" and "do you have foix grois?" or "Is Raymondé working today?"

7. After being presented with your McNuggets, take a tape measure from your pocket and analyse each one, holding them up to the light, bending them slightly for "tension" and repeating "hmmmmmmmmm....."

8. At the drive-through, when ordering your meal (more than likely speaking into the mouth of a giant plastic clown in a dignified touch which can not be understated), tell the order-taker that "you haven't booked in advance" and ask for a table for two.

9. When given the option of Pepsi, 7Up or Fanta, ask if they serve "Dr Pepper" and stamp your feet if they dont. Shouting "Fascist!" at this point is always a nice touch too.

10. Take a clipboard and wear something smart. This gives the impression that you're a McDonalds Quality Checker and will ensure that you get served double-quick! Make notes after every sentence and pay extra attention while the staff member enters your order on those cash-register thingys that look like they're from Star Trek.

Enjoy your meal!

*this is not an admission that I ate Brian in February.