Bird-Flu

Well, here in the UK we were all of a flutter recently when we realised an epidemic of "bird-flu" was heading our way! As far as i can tell, it had something to do with really poorly penguins and the filthy way that Bernard Matthews choked his chickens.

I once had a really bad case of flipper-rot which I'm pretty sure i got at around the same time i discovered i had a nasty case of crabs.* I soon managed to sort it out by rubbing myself against the mysterious pebble for an hour each morning.

However, as well as bird-flu, there are many diseases just as nasty. Here are just a few that you should all be aware of:

Moosey-Measles - The symptoms of this particularly nasty Canadian bug involve the sufferer to trot around their living-rooms making little snorty noises. Two large growths appear on the temple of the head which can be used as a rather nice coat-stand or a handy mobile for tiny tots.

Kitty-Coughs - nowhere near as nasty as bird-flu but much more embarrassing. The symptoms include coughing up small bundles of neatly wound wool, licking your swimsuit area in public places and being generally quite moody to everyone except those people that have food or who look like they might stroke your ears.

Parrotisis - After contracting this particularly nasty airborne bug, you'll feel compelled to repeat everything, tell everyone how pretty you are...often, and swing for hours while banging on a little silver bell. A desire to chomp on a cuttlefish will also arise but please try and resist. The fish are MINE! Can be cured with Paracetamol.

Otter-Mumps - No, i am NOT obsessed with otters. This is "public safety information". No, really..it IS! Anyway, otter-mumps will make you want to sing, dance, hold-hands and play the tambourine for hours on end. Cos that's what otters do, right?

Hamstermonia - Almost certainly deadly, this disease can be caught from dirty toilet seats and fastening your shoelaces too quickly. After contracting it, you'll have no choice but to shove as much food into your cheeks as possible, will only be able to drink from a large over sized water bottle and you'll spend hours running around and around on a giant wheel which you've constructed out of empty cereal boxes. On the plus-side, people WILL want to stroke you and will say "awww" a lot until they find you all stiff and crunchy behind a radiator a few weeks later.




*let's not mention the crabs again, eh?