Movies, Movies, Movies.

Some people have claimed that i have an otter fixation. This is totally untrue and those people have now been "silenced". It's simply "an interest", that's all. Besides, everyone knows that otters are only the third sexiest creature on the planet....after penguins and dolphins with primates coming in 4th (except Orang-Utans because of their obvious ginger-ness).

While perusing the local cinema websites today, it appeared that most films on offer looked absolutely rubbish. If i ever go to Hollywood, here would be my suggestions for new films (which in no way will prove that i have a slight otter obsession).

Some Like it Otter - The black and white classic gets a retelling as Marylin Monroe becomes the object of attention by a cross-dressing otter with hilarious results.

The Otters - Nicole Kidman is taunted by her otter children in a big gloomy house. Her depression worsens when her otter husband returns from an otter war and then leaves as mysteriously as he arrives. But are her family real or, in fact, dead and stuffed and inside little glass cases?

Transformers: Decepticons Vs Otter-Bots - Psychotic robots from a dying planet invade Earth. Only one thing stands between them and our total annihilation - The Otter-Bots; furry river-dwelling mammals who, at a flick of a switch, can "transform" into small domestic appliances such as a Breville Sandwich Toaster, a Teas maid or electric toothbrush.

A Clockwork Otter - Stanley Kubrick's controversial film finally gets a release in the UK! The film deals with conditioning, attitudes to violence and morality as well as lots and lots and lots of fuzzy little animals dancing, holding hands and chasing fish.

It Ain't 'Alf Otter, Mum - Big screen version of the 70's TV show set in India. Windsor Davies stars as a red-faced, moustache-twirling sergeant who likes shouting a lot and making the smaller, browner otters upset. Rated "R" for Racism.

Tarka the Otter Reloaded 2K7 - Remake of the classic family film with Arnold Schwarzenegger as Tarka, a one-otter-army who must take revenge on the gang of merciless weasels that destroyed his burrow, stole his fish and pulled his tail. Alan Rickman stars as Head-Weasel with Gary Coleman playing Tarka's new partner who gets on Tarka's nerves most of the afternoon.