Friday 25 May 2007

The Sims - The Movie


There i was, casually flippering my Dolphin-O-Type 2000 for the latest news about fish-fingers when it was brought to my attention that Hollywood are making a big budget film of the popular PC game, The Sims!

For those that have never played it, and therefore probably live in a cave and smell of stale cabbages, The Sims is a game in which you play at families. Its a dolls house on your computer which allows you to 'create' your own story while ensuring your sim-peeps eat, drink, sleep and watch TV from time to time in order to stay sane and healthy.

All the makings of a blockbuster then, right?

So, just in case Hollywood change their mind(s), here are a few other game- movie ideas which would be potentially even MORE exciting than watching The Sims movie:

1. Ms. Pac Man * - The Movie: In which Jessica Alba plays the title role of a young yellow spherical girl who is new at her preppy high school. During this tragic tale, she finds herself getting addicted to 'power pills', binge eats and hallucinates about dead spirits chasing her. Directed by Mike Leigh.

2. Mario Kart- The Chronicles of Wario: Think 2 Fast 2 Furious, now replace Vin Diesel with a small turtle and change the setting from underground racing to brightly coloured islands where crabs throw fish at you as you drive by. See? See? Directed by Michael Bay.

3. Leisure Suit Larry- The Musical: Tom 'definitely-not-gay' Cruise plays the much misunderstood Larry, every one's second favourite comedy sex-pest after Quagmire in Family Guy. A rollercoaster of fun ensues as Larry has lots of casual relationships with mostly willing females. Paul Verhoeven directs.

4. Tekken Tag Tournament -Episode IV A New Hope: Sean Connery IS Heihachi Mishima. Ok, that's actually the only reason i included this one. Directed by Alan Bennet.

5. Monkey Island Trilogy: This would be ACE! It would have a young blond pirate wannabe in it, a love interest who would be from noble blood, a ghostly evil pirate villain who would look like he's decomposing, comedy swaggering pirates, lots of grog and sword fights, a voodoo priestess who lives in a swamp and surrounds herself with jars full of icky stuff like you'd find in teenage girls' bedrooms, stirring music, a curse of some sort and a comedy dog with keys in its mouth.

Oh, and it would be a trilogy.

I think this would be the perfect project for someone like....oooh, Johnny Depp? Gore Verbinski could direct it perhaps...Hollywood, are you listening? This would be ace!! Make it now!

Failing that, i'm still waiting for Etch-A-Sketch or a My Little Pony film. David Fincher could direct that.


*Not to be confused with Ms Premenstrual Pac Man in which the ghosts chase her for a bit until she snaps and kills them all with a spoon.

Monday 21 May 2007

Aaaaargh!!


Word up kids!

You know, I'm not one for complaining. Ask the little trouts that moved in a few weeks ago. They decided to have an all night rave with the glowy-jellyfish, damaged my beach ball and disturbed the mysterious pebble and i didn't say a word.

I couldn't, my mouth was full of trout.

Anyway, something today made me all irritable and throw a slightly psychotic hissy-fit. At least three of my human captors were splashed with dirty pool water and i refused to leap magnificently through my hoop more than 27 times today.

While surfing the interweb it came to my attention that the play-that-became-a-film, One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest is being transported once again to the stage.

Now, so far, two people have played the part of R.P. Mac Murphy; Michael Douglas and Jack Nicholson. Both of these actors are magnificent, intense and could, if given the opportunity (otter-tunity) could probably play just about anything! They have such intensity and inner-strength and erm...stuff.

So it made my flippers tingle with upsetness when it was brought to my attention the name of the actor chosen to play this part in the West End.

Would it be Daniel Craig? Proving himself to be a deep and brooding actor in his latest Bond film, it would be an obvious choice... but no!

Perhaps it would be Gary Oldman, an actor versatile enough to bring both a manic edge and depth to his character? No, no.

The obvious choice, it would appear, is.....

Shane Ritchie!!!!!

I'd say it again but it makes me blow big upset bubbles from my blowhole. Sh**e Rich-tea!! I can't believe my flippers! I mean, is it just me or isn't he....crap?

Tuesday 15 May 2007

F-f-f-f-frozen f-f-f-f-foooooood!



Frozen food is great, right? I mean, it's like normal food but you can suck it and dunk it in your coffee and stuff.

In my continuous search for the answers to the really important questions, I've got in touch with two of the largest frozen food producers to get the real lowdown on how they operate.

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Dear Captain Birds Eye.

I love your frozen foods, especially anything fish related however can you confirm just how efficient a crew of children aged between 7-15 really are at sea? Do their tiny hands get friction burns on the rigging easily or do they make up for it by being able to scoop the eyes out of really small sardines?

I was thinking of organising an ocean trip and would appreciate any tips on whether i should take a bunch of primary school age kids or more seasoned sailors with me.

I await your quick response....

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Dear Green Giant.

I adore your delicious products, you really DO have green fingers but i have two quick questions;

1. Sprout. You remember him, right? Used to ask you interesting questions about peas in your adverts, had a slightly annoying voice, probably avoided at Christmas.. haven't seen him around much recently. Can you confirm if you've eaten him?

2. Since you're so jolly, could you tell me the secret to happiness? Did someone tell you a really good joke? If so, share. Or perhaps that leafy-thing you wear is sort of tickly around your swimsuit area? The public have a right to know!


How long do you think it will be before they reply? I cant sleep until i get some answers!!

Monday 14 May 2007

Star Wars Holiday Special!


As everyone is aware, on the 25th of this month Star Wars will be 30 years old. For those dolphins who haven't seen it, the plot appears to be as follows:

A gay robot and a midget get an email from some classy chick with nice buns.

A heavy breather who likes wearing black leather Wants to get hold of the classy chicks email or her MySpace passwords or something.

The gay robot and the midget flee to a sandy planet where they get picked up by some scruffy midgets in a tractor.

Meanwhile, a dirty old man finds a young boy unconscious in the desert, fondles him in front of the midget and the gay robot then takes him back to his cave where he uses "force" and waves his "sword" at the young boy.

The old man takes the young underage boy to a bar (probably with the intention of getting him drunk), where he waves his sword at another man before talking to some bloke named Hand-Solo and his friend, a giant space-otter.

They all fly off together to meet up with the classy chick with the nice buns but get sucked aboard a giant round thing that has holes in it. Let's call it the Space-Crumpet.

The old man waves his sword at the heavy breathing, leather wearing man but the leather man's sword is bigger than the old mans' so the old man disappears but NOT before slipping into the young boys head.

The young boy and Hand Solo and the space otter almost get squished and the young boy gets a giant testicle wrapped around him or something. The classy chick grabs Hand-Solo's pole and this stops the walls from moving and makes the Space Otter dance a bit.

They all escape with the nice-buns chick then come back later with some mates to destroy the Space Crumpet.

Their friends are rubbish and all shoot their milky white missiles too early and they splash harmlessly all over the Space Crumpet's entrance but the young boy remembers how the old man liked to use force and shoots his payload right into the Space Crumpet's forbidden hole which makes it explode.

The Space Otter and the others all get medals and the midget looks dead happy.


Now, it doesn't sound very good, does it? I'm pretty sure my version is 100% accurate...if only there were a few websites on the subject so i could check...

How will YOU be celebrating the triumph of the midget film?

Thursday 10 May 2007

Bird-Flu


Well, here in the UK we were all of a flutter recently when we realised an epidemic of "bird-flu" was heading our way! As far as i can tell, it had something to do with really poorly penguins and the filthy way that Bernard Matthews choked his chickens.

I once had a really bad case of flipper-rot which I'm pretty sure i got at around the same time i discovered i had a nasty case of crabs.* I soon managed to sort it out by rubbing myself against the mysterious pebble for an hour each morning.

However, as well as bird-flu, there are many diseases just as nasty. Here are just a few that you should all be aware of:

Moosey-Measles - The symptoms of this particularly nasty Canadian bug involve the sufferer to trot around their living-rooms making little snorty noises. Two large growths appear on the temple of the head which can be used as a rather nice coat-stand or a handy mobile for tiny tots.

Kitty-Coughs - nowhere near as nasty as bird-flu but much more embarrassing. The symptoms include coughing up small bundles of neatly wound wool, licking your swimsuit area in public places and being generally quite moody to everyone except those people that have food or who look like they might stroke your ears.

Parrotisis - After contracting this particularly nasty airborne bug, you'll feel compelled to repeat everything, tell everyone how pretty you are...often, and swing for hours while banging on a little silver bell. A desire to chomp on a cuttlefish will also arise but please try and resist. The fish are MINE! Can be cured with Paracetamol.

Otter-Mumps - No, i am NOT obsessed with otters. This is "public safety information". No, really..it IS! Anyway, otter-mumps will make you want to sing, dance, hold-hands and play the tambourine for hours on end. Cos that's what otters do, right?

Hamstermonia - Almost certainly deadly, this disease can be caught from dirty toilet seats and fastening your shoelaces too quickly. After contracting it, you'll have no choice but to shove as much food into your cheeks as possible, will only be able to drink from a large over sized water bottle and you'll spend hours running around and around on a giant wheel which you've constructed out of empty cereal boxes. On the plus-side, people WILL want to stroke you and will say "awww" a lot until they find you all stiff and crunchy behind a radiator a few weeks later.




*let's not mention the crabs again, eh?

Tuesday 8 May 2007

Super Superness


In the latest Spider-Ham movie, Peter Porker takes out not one, not two but THREE count 'em THREE super-duper-villains!


He's like a villain exterminator and quite possibly almost a match for Jack Bauer but at this rate he'll be out of people to "K-Pow!!" and "Sock!!" and "Kerrunch!" by a week on Thursday. So to that end, i have come up with some new super-baddies for Marvel Comics to use to ensure that Spidey 4 doesn't involve the audience having to endure 2 hours and 20 minutes of Petey playing online solitaire, searching for internet-corn or learning to play "Chopsticks" on a Casio Keyboard...


Weather-Man: By day, Ian McAskill is the BBC's top heart-throb weather-reporter. Every woman swoons at his merest mention of "humidity" or "moisture" but by night he turns into Weather-Man, a psychotic cloak swirling super-nutter who's main power is causing light drizzles, predicting typhoons and throwing little plastic clouds with magnets on them at your ears.


Donkey-Boy: Jack Mule has a secret which he keeps in his trousers. Yep, you guessed it- in his right pocket he keeps a miniature donkey which he sends through people's letter-boxes to steal their car keys! Hee-Haw, Hee-Haw, Hee's Hawwllways doing it!! Ahem..


The "cream" Goblin: Much more fashion conscious than the "green" one, the Cream Goblin is also available in teal, taupe and puce.


Ping-Pong-Girl: She doesn't even need a bat! This super-nasty villainess cannot be argued with, cannot be bargained with, cannot be silenced. That's simply because she's female. Oh, and she's also deadly with a ping-pong ball... but only when she's horizontal.


The Human Porch: Selma Patio was a regular girl until she was hit with a highly toxic house brick. Now, whenever it starts to "look a bit like rain", she turns into a small extension to your existing property which allows you to store your shoes and umbrellas inside her. Not really sure how this would be a decent villain...to be honest, i really didn't think this one through at all...


Blancmange Boy: Not to be trifled with! He has hundreds and thousands of ways to destroy super-heroes. The mention of his name turns mortal men to jelly. Can anyone stop him and put him in custardy? Ahahahaha...sorry.

Thursday 3 May 2007

Movies, Movies, Movies.


Some people have claimed that i have an otter fixation. This is totally untrue and those people have now been "silenced". It's simply "an interest", that's all. Besides, everyone knows that otters are only the third sexiest creature on the planet....after penguins and dolphins with primates coming in 4th (except Orang-Utans because of their obvious ginger-ness).

While perusing the local cinema websites today, it appeared that most films on offer looked absolutely rubbish. If i ever go to Hollywood, here would be my suggestions for new films (which in no way will prove that i have a slight otter obsession).

Some Like it Otter - The black and white classic gets a retelling as Marylin Monroe becomes the object of attention by a cross-dressing otter with hilarious results.

The Otters - Nicole Kidman is taunted by her otter children in a big gloomy house. Her depression worsens when her otter husband returns from an otter war and then leaves as mysteriously as he arrives. But are her family real or, in fact, dead and stuffed and inside little glass cases?

Transformers: Decepticons Vs Otter-Bots - Psychotic robots from a dying planet invade Earth. Only one thing stands between them and our total annihilation - The Otter-Bots; furry river-dwelling mammals who, at a flick of a switch, can "transform" into small domestic appliances such as a Breville Sandwich Toaster, a Teas maid or electric toothbrush.

A Clockwork Otter - Stanley Kubrick's controversial film finally gets a release in the UK! The film deals with conditioning, attitudes to violence and morality as well as lots and lots and lots of fuzzy little animals dancing, holding hands and chasing fish.

It Ain't 'Alf Otter, Mum - Big screen version of the 70's TV show set in India. Windsor Davies stars as a red-faced, moustache-twirling sergeant who likes shouting a lot and making the smaller, browner otters upset. Rated "R" for Racism.

Tarka the Otter Reloaded 2K7 - Remake of the classic family film with Arnold Schwarzenegger as Tarka, a one-otter-army who must take revenge on the gang of merciless weasels that destroyed his burrow, stole his fish and pulled his tail. Alan Rickman stars as Head-Weasel with Gary Coleman playing Tarka's new partner who gets on Tarka's nerves most of the afternoon.

Tuesday 1 May 2007

May!


Since it would appear that most of the months of the year are named after gods, i decided to pop the words "may" and "gods" into the Dolphin-O-Type-2000's searchy box.


The results did not disappoint and it soon became apparent that May is also named after a god too...and his first name is Brian!


Now, i was taken aback by this fact until i had it confirmed by another quick search which concluded that "Brian" is also the name of the son of God. It all makes sense now.


So, what else have i discovered about this God of Rock? Well, here were the top factoids which should probably be written down and kept in a safe place or tattooed on your head for easy access. There might be a quiz later.


Brian May apparently was not born, but composed in the back room of Richer Sounds' Hi-Fi Emporium (Jerusalem Branch) in 371 BC.


Over 32 types of woodland creature can be found in his hair and Brian has to lay traps to stop Bill Oddie from moving a documentary crew in while he sleeps.


Brian can play every note from A to G and also K and Q which can only be heard by penguins.


Brian asks every Speaker manufacturer to remove the "11" setting. Brian can only play up to "4" without making everyone on Earth's eyeballs explode with pleasure.


People think that Brian wears clogs on stage because he's eccentric but the real deal is that Brian has to "earth" himself as much as possible. If he wore normal shoes, his fingers would generate enough electricity to destroy the first three rows of the audience.


When calendars were being put together, the fifth month was going to be called "Brian" but it soon became apparent that people might get confused and think it was named after Brian Blessed.


Brian refuses to play Guitar Hero on the PlayStation as he generally melts the controller after one chord, causes power blackouts in the same postcode area and makes all your other video games cry with envy and throw themselves into mouse-traps.


It is NOT true that Freddy Mercury named the planet Mercury. That would be simply ridiculous.