The Gingerbread Man

Every now and then, i like to treat the smallest minnows to a bedtime story. As they all settled quietly against their spongey pillows and pulled the covers over their sea-beds, i began...

Once upon a time there was a baker and his wife. They lived in a far-away kingdom, over the rainbow, through the magical forest, down in dingely dell - turn left after the roundabout with the McDonalds on it.

The baker loved his wife very much and together they shared a little flat above their bakery. It was one of those converted barn type places that you see in Ikea magazines. You know the kind of thing, lots of wood panelling and tables in the shape of giant leaves and stuff.. bit poncey really but let's not get sidetracked...

The one thing they wanted more than anything (except for a golden otter, obviously), was a child but, try as they might, the baker's wife could not give birth. They'd tried everything from Viagra to rubbing themselves in strawberry custard while singing Chesney Hawks song(s) and trying desperately to not think about Chesney's mole. Nothing worked. One night, Mrs Baker (for that was her name and also an amazing coincidence) even tried wearing a latex penguin outfit for her husband but all that resulted in was a slight rash and an aversion to raw fish for the following three months.

On a pleasant afternoon in June, Mr Baker (for that was his name and also an amazing coincidence), rushed into the bakery looking very excited! His wife gasped as he threw open the door and almost dropped the cake in the shape of a giant weasel she'd been making for the National Weasel Association.

"My Wife! My Wife! I have the answer to our dreams!...No, not the dream where we're both turned into doughnuts and licked by hungry plumbers, the other dream" Said the Baker. "As i was walking through the magical forest, an elf gave me this special flour! The elf was snorting the special flour through a straw but he told me it was 'good shizzle' and sold me some for 20 gold pieces!"

Mrs Baker did not seem impressed, in fact it was quite clear that she was considering divorce for the 18th time that month. "And this helps us......how?" She enquired with a sarcasm rating of 9.6 on the Sarcometer.

"Well", said Mr Baker who had decided not to notice the sarcasm, "With this flour we can bake ourselves a child! Look, let me show you!"

Within minutes, Mr Baker was throwing ingredients into a big bowl; seven eggs, some margarine, a sprinkle of salt...yada yada yada... Anyway, you get the idea. PLUS he added the magical flour. He Stirred the mixture until it was all gloopy like the texture of a smurf's water bed and then put it in the oven.

An hour passed and the baker and his wife (who by now had already consulted a divorce lawyer and her best friend, Edith, who had told her she could move in immediately), opened the oven door.

The mixture had set into gingerbread. Taking a cutter, the baker cut out the shape of a gingerbread-boy. He piped some lips, some eyes, and some buttons onto the boy with some lovely pink icing and waited.

There was a flash of blinding light and a sort of "thrrrrping" noise and the little gingerbread boy came to life! He bounced up and started doing a little dance - one of those embarrassing dances where you point your thumbs in the air and shuffle - a bit like how dads dance at weddings. "Tee-Hee-Hee!" said the little gingerbread-boy.

The Baker and his wife were stunned but before they had a chance to speak, the little gingerbread-boy had bounced off the table.

"Run, Run as fast as you can! You can't catch me, I'm the gingerbread man!" He squealed in a really irritating voice.

Unfortunately for the gingerbread-boy, his legs were soft and only 2 inches long and his top running speed was about the same as your average hedgehog so, he was easily caught.

The baker and wife looked at one another then snapped off his gingerbread arms and legs and dunked them in their coffee.

The moral of the story is that no one likes a ginger - especially when they're smug.