OK, anyone that knows me will know that one of my greatest phobias is being placed in a small wardrobe full to the brim with gnomes. I'm sure it's the top of your list of awful things too and if it isn't, then you're obviously some kind of sick, dyslexic pervert that has stumbled onto this website by typing in keywords like "Internet Corn".
Even writing the word makes me a bit queasy so for the rest of this post, i shall refer to them as "gn*mes" or something.
There are many varieties of them but the most common type is the Garden Gn*me. Why do people let them in their gardens? If only they realised just how flippin' awful they obviously are!
Here are the top reasons to NOT allow them near YOUR petunias:
- They have tiny fangs. Note how many of them keep their evil, smiley mouths closed. They like nothing more than sinking their teeth into baby badgers and scampering voles.
- "Oh they look so cute with their little pointy hats". They wear hats to hide their demonic little pointy horns and Nazi tattoos.
- Gn*mes are 100% responsible for hiding gherkins in McDonalds hamburgers.
- Those aren't fishing rods, they're blow dart-guns which the gn*mes use to tranquilise your pets then they dance around them in some satanic ritual and poke the dozing pet with spoons and a small selection of cocktail umbrellas.
- Gn*mes started the Vietnam war. Fact.
- You don't see many female gn*mes, do you? This is because once the female lays the male gn*mes eggs, she serves no more purpose and the other gn*mes eat her.... then they dance around her in some satanic ritual and poke the remains with sporks and the feet of dead baby otters.
- There are no such things as "hangovers". This mysterious ailment occurs when they see you return home late at night, notice that you're slightly incapacitated and take the opportunity to sneak into your house. While you sleep, they beat you repeatedly around the head with metal monopoly tokens and take it in turns to put their feet in your mouth....followed by the usual dancing around you and the poking you with tiny scissors bit.
-David Bowie's Laughing Gn*me. What? You need me to explain? Listen to it.
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5 comments:
Ho Ho Ho.... HEE HEE HEE HEE.....
Squeeeeeeaaal!!! :o(
Oh my!
I am glad someone inform the public of horrid things like these!
In Norway we don't have garden gn*mes, but we have trolls.
If you have nothing against trolls - or mooses - I suggest you convert to Vikingism and enjoy your new gn*ome-free life!
I'm not sure the horned helmet would suit me. I'm often referred to as "horny" though. Perhaps i was meant to be a Viking.
Do i have to have facial hair?
Do i have to drink Grog and slap my friends heartily on the back in taverns and stuff?
Do Vikings eat dolphins?
Facial hair? - No.
Grog? - No.
Slap? - yes.
Friends? - erh.. yes?
Dolphins? - yes*.
*In several cases restaurants are serving dolphins under the name "tuna", but this is a worldwide issue, and not restricted to northern europe - least of all, Norway.
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