Halo 3

There's nothing dolphins like more than fitting in with others. We are very social creatures who enjoy a game of Twister or a dinner party even at short notice.

In order to fit in with every-other-website-on-the-interweb (tm), I've decided to review Halo 3.

Before i begin, i must point out that i only played Halo 1 and 2 casually and was not impressed enough to do a cartwheel or anything immediately afterwards. Thus, when Halo 3 was available to purchase, my first reaction was not to froth at the mouth or do a little dance of purest joy. In fact, I've been more excited at the prospect of meeting Stormtrooper 329 in a shopping centre, but anyway..

Initially after i carefully loaded up the game (while trying desperately not to splash water over the console), i liked the look of the menus. All shiny and blue like an alien robot otter or something. Unfortunately, the feeling passed and i soon realised that the game was incredibly average at best.

The guns are, for the most part, useless. Many of them are just variations on the same gun with a different coloured light beam or a little bulb on top to signify that this is undoubtably of alien design. The majority of weapons don't allow you to look down the sight and so they all blend into one another as you concentrate solely on the little crosshair in the middle of the screen.

The same can be said of the enemies, a mixture of 'scary' brutish aliens and smaller 'comedy' aliens come at you growling or making little quips respectively which means the whole tone of the game is unbalanced. Imagine playing a more serious shooter like Rainbow 6 or Call of Duty; a legion of troops spill out of hiding, many of them rush you with machine guns shouting something threatening in a foreign tongue but then, suddenly, four of them stop to tell you a joke about badgers* or starts to make fun of your trousers while poking you with a spork. Confused? You should be!

The vehicles are nicely designed but each one is mapped to the joypad in the exact same way which means they have less character than vehicles in other shooters.

Some levels offer truly stunning set-pieces. A huge crab-like machine attacks you at the end of one level and its metallic sheen and animation was beautiful. I stood in awe for a few seconds before grabbing one of the least irritating guns and rushing into battle.

but that's about all i can say. The gamescores on other websites all suggest this game is the greatest thing since Pac Man threw on some makeup and wore a bow on his head and became 'Ms Pac-Man'.

Overall it's a vacuous experience. I feel nothing for my character- who happens to be a Master-Chef or something and his plight is so generic that i find myself not caring if he wins or if he is torn apart by vicious zombie weasels.

Personally i think this is some sort of crazy mass-hysteria and in a few months time when a real FPS comes out, we'll all look back on this moment and laugh and buy each other a beer while we discuss how best to destroy our copies of Halo 3.

You know I'm right. Deep down, you know.

*Whats black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A badger with a drum-kit...i thank you.