While my pool was being de-scaled, my scientist friends bundled me into a makeshift tank and trundled me further north to the Government Research Facility for Smart-Arsed Fish (York Division). I stayed there for a couple of days while the cleaners removed the ooze that had collected on the coral. Clear instructions were left behind so that they would not touch the mysterious pebble, my case of crabs and my secret(ish) room in my fake plastic castle.
While in the area, i decided to take a look at my new surroundings and can now offer you, dear bloggies, my guide to this fantastic city.
First up is Cliff's Tower which was named after Cliff Richard in AD 71, the year of Cliff's birth. Inside the tower is a museum in honour of Cliff where you can purchase Cliff calendars, Cliff mugs and Cliff anti-haemorrhoid cream from the gift shop.
The Jorvik Viking Centre is also a must see! Painstakingly reproduced down to the last detail, this accurately portrays life in York as seen from the Viking point of view by whizzing you around a little track on a mechanical raft while looking at puppets and cityscapes that smell vaguely of turnips and poo. Should you wish to endulge in the full Viking experience, for an extra £3.50 you can be raped and pillaged by the staff. The helmets are guaranteed to make you horny!
York Railway Museum is as exciting as it sounds and is a fabulous way of making yourself feel better about yourself as you walk around it spotting trainspotters and marking your sightings in a little book with tick-boxes to check if the nerd in question has a wooly hat, mittens with string on them, a flask of weak lemon drink, a Star Trek badge on his/her jacket and their name sewn into their socks.
York Minster is gothtastic! If you like emos, enjoy cutting yourself or simply adore the music of Slipknot then this place should give you hours of solemn, sniffly pleasure as you slope around looking at exquisite monuments of death and slightly disturbing statues of long-gone priests.
As well as the above, there are also about 286 zillion pubs and a McDonalds which is open til late. When are we going?
5 comments:
What are you kidding? We must leave right away!
This York place sounds fantastic! And even with a ciking museum! You think it would by any chance be possible to get to see the staff go wild in the muck as they battle for peace between the tribes?! Do you?!
I meant a viking museum.
A ciking museum is obviously for over-excited cyclists with a whistling voice, so when they speak they sound like a premature jazz-flute, or a whistling dog.
In a museum like that you can:
Get ciked
Recikle
go cikedelic
or simply just cike! For an entire afternoon! Not as great as the viking museum, but still not too uncikely!
Hahaha... i demand to go to a Ciking Museum immediately!
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